ShooBall
by Raine-Weather
Summary: One day Tidus realizes that Blitzball...SUCKS. A lot. So he decides to make a NEW game...a BETTER game!
1. The Birth of ShooBall

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Final Fantasy X. Square does. I don't own Final Fantasy X-2. Square does. And if there's a Final Fantasy X-3, I PROBABLY don't own that.

Probably.

Ah… the Calm. The unexciting, BORING age of… Calm. Everything in the Calm is Calm. Even parties are Calm. If you want to 'party-hardy' instead, you must, 'party-calm.' But no one does that. It doesn't rhyme.

Anyway, with this wonderful Calmness going on, you have to wonder what those that BROUGHT it are doing! Well, I'll tell you right now; They were enjoying it. Except for everyone that died. Yeah… they're probably not enjoying it.

Tidus and Yuna were, though. They were having a grand old time living in their wonderful, multi-purpose Honeymoon Mansion. It's a super secret building so don't even try and find it on the map of Final Fantasy 10.

Here, Tidus and Yuna are living out their peaceful, post-game lives together, since they can't POSSIBLY be bothered to save the world from evil beetles or people with gravity defying hair again. The multi-purpose mansion had everything they needed to be happy in. It even had a giant Blitzball Pool for Tidus to play Blitzball in! YAY! Because we know how much that crazy boy loves Blitzball.

Everyday after school, Tidus ran over to all of his friend's houses and called them over to play Blitzball with him. Just kidding. He doesn't go to school. He did go around getting them though.

But today… TODAY… he didn't. Because today, Tidus had made a horrible discovery. A terrible discovery. A EARTH SHATTERING DISCOVERY!

" Hey, Tidus!" Called Chumba, from outside the mansion with a large group of Tidus's Blitzball buddies, knocking on the door. " Aren't we gonna play Blitzball today?"

" Uh… well…" Came the reply from behind the door.

" WELL?!" Chumba demanded because he's really impaitent.

" No… I don't think I'm really feeling all that well today, guys. Sorry!" Tidus called in a voice that didn't sound very sick.

" But you're the ONLY person with a Blitzball Stadium in their house!" Chumba yelled as if it were the end of the world. As you can see, Chumba REALLY likes to play Blitzball. He likes it more than ANYTHING. Even eating PRINGLES.

And Chumba really likes to eat Pringles.

" Well, SORRY, but I'm not feeling well!" Tidus argued, starting to get a little angry.

" WELL, JUST WATCH US PLAY!" Chumba bellowed.

" NO! I DON'T WANNA WATCH YOU PLAY!" Tidus shouted back.

Chumba WAS going to break the door down but luckily his friend's managed to stop him. Then they dragged him off to some pool so he could pretend to play Blitzball before he hurt someone or something.

" You're not feeling well?" Yuna said in a concerned voice, seeing Tidus watch them go away from the window.

" Well… not REALLY." Tidus admitted sheepishly.

" Then… you…LIED?" Yuna said in a slow, not really understanding the situation voice. Because after all, she's probably never lied in her whole entire LIFE.

" Yeah…" Tidus said. " But it's because I didn't want to play Blitzball."

" You didn't want to play BLITZBALL?" Yuna asked in an amazed voice. " But you love Blitzball more than ANYTHING in the entire world. Even ME."

" That's true, Yuna. There's a lot of things I love more than you. But… I have come to a realization…" Tidus said darkly. " About Blitzball."

Tidus looked around the room at all the paintings of blitzballs he had hanging, and his lovesack that looked like a blitzball, and the chandelier that looked like a blitzball, and the giant statue he had made of himself holding a blitzball. He looked down at his shirt that said, ' I LIVE FOR BLITZBALL.' Even his Chocobo had a bumper sticker on it's ass that said, ' Wark if you love Blitzball!'

" I have realized that… Blitzball SUCKS." Tidus said shamefully.

" WHAT? REALLY? NO!" Yuna gasped, trying to hide the fact that she had always though that too. " But you've been obsessed with Blitzball since you were a little boy!"

" Yeah! And what a stupid thing to be obsessed with! I mean, look at me, 'DUH, I kick a ball around in the water! It's like… SOCCER! Only with water! How BRILLIANT!'" Tidus said in a voice he imagined would sound like the guy who invented Blitzball and did a crazy little Irish jig. Because the creator of Blitzball was IRISH! That's right…

" Well… whenever I do something I don't like, I just pretend to LAUGH." Yuna said.

" But if I laughed underwater I'd drown! That's another problem! Blitzball isn't just STUPID AND UNORIGINAL, it's DANGEROUS." Tidus said.

" NO? REALLY?!" The whole world screamed.

" REALLY!" Tidus replied. " Playing Blitzball is dangerous to my health!" Of course, he's ALREADY done things dangerous to his health, like fighting Fiends, skateboarding down a rope, and fighting Sin but… OH WELL!

Yuna thought about this for awhile, but couldn't come to any conclusion in her head because she's just… dumb like that. " Well, Tidus, what are you going to do?" She asked.

" I'm going to make… a NEW game! A BETTER game!" Tidus pledged with fire blazing in the background. " A game that won't JUST be challenging and fun… it'll be SAFE!"

" IMPOSHIBIBBLE!" Shouted Shoopuf Dude.

" It's not impossible! You can do anything if you put your mind to it!" Tidus said as inspirational music began to play in the background. And so, Tidus began his journey to make a better game than Blitzball! A new game! Called…

TIDUS BALL!

…

Actually, that just sounds a little strange. And wrong. So it will be called…

SHOO-BALL!

Chapter 1

Tidus's Great Idea!

" First things first… I have to get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds me of Blitzball, or it'll be too distracting to me as I try to plan out my NEW game." Tidus said, giving the mansion a disgusted look.

" Good idea! Let's donate it all to charity!" Yuna exclaimed.

" NO! I don't even want to THINK about children playing such a BORING and DANGEROUS game like Blitzball! We burn it! BURN IT ALL!" Tidus yelled overzealously.

"Okay…" Yuna said uncomfortably, starting to think Tidus was going a little far, but she's Yuna so she probably won't say anything! DA-HUCK!

" Yuna, go outside, summon Ifrit and tell him to make… a BONFIRE!" Tidus said, starting already to pick up all his Blitzball swag.

" Okay…" Yuna repeated, and walked outside. Yes, she can summon all her Aeons. Yes, I know she loses all of them at the end of the game. But do I CARE? No. No I do not.

" PLEASE HELP US!" Yuna said in a really overdramatic voice like she always does, and summoned Ifrit.

" Och! What be it lassie? Some scurvy fiend botherin' ye?" Ifrit demanded in a random scottish accent, appearing in a great burst of flame.

" Oh, great Ifrit… make me a giant bonfire!" Yuna said in the same overdramatic voice.

Ifrit drew himself up in an offended manner. " A bonfire?! A BONFIRE?! Okay." Then he made a giant bonfire appear in front of them. " If only ye would ask me to do such easy things more often! I could 'elp ye roast marshmallows…"

" Yuna! I've got the first sack of Blitzball stuff!" Tidus called, pulling a massive bag of Blitzball stuff towards them.

"…barbecue…" Ifrit was still saying.

" Good! I got Ifrit to make a bonfire. Ifrit?" Yuna said to Ifrit who was still talking to himself.

"…get rid of legal documents- Och. What do ye want, lassie?" Ifrit asked Yuna.

" Thanks for the good work." Said Yuna.

" Why, yer welcome." Said Ifrit. Then he just sat there like he BELONGED there.

Tidus and Yuna shifted uneasily and waited for him to dissapear. But he didn't. Finally, Tidus spoke up. " Hey, Ifrit, aren't you gonna dissapear now that you've done what we ask and go back to wherever it is you Aeons go?"

" Do I normally do that?" Ifrit asked in a surprised voice.

" Well… YEAH…" Said Tidus and Yuna.

" Well, I do no' ken that I do! That's funny! I suppose ah just normally did it witho' thinkin'!" Ifrit chuckled like Kureno. Then he just sat there again.

" Well, aren't you going to DO it now?" Tidus pressed.

" I would, but now I dinna remember where I went! I guess I'm just stuck 'ere with ye!" Ifrit said. " That IS okay, is it no'?" He added anxiously.

" Well… I guess. There's plenty of room in the mansion…" Yuna said uneasily.

" WOO-HOO!" Ifrit cheered and ran into the house and jumped onto the couch, burnt it to little pieces, grabbed the remote and started watching 'Scrubs.' Yuna and Tidus blinked.

" MOST people get a Gold Retriever… I get a HELLHOUND!" Tidus said outloud, but then no one laughed and he was sad because well, HE thought it was funny.

" Okay… goodbye Blitzball… hello… NEW BALL!" Tidus exclaimed, throwing the sack of Blitzball memorilia into the fire. Unfortunately, there was a blitzball filled with gasoline among the swag, and it caused a GIANT EXPOLOSION!

But that's okay. Tidus and Yuna are INVINCIBLE and it didn't hurt them. It DID make a big hole in their mansion, but that's a SMALL price to pay to get rid of that offensive Blitzball stuff! Ach!

" Now that I've rid my mansion of Blitzball… I can finally think about my NEW game! Like what kind of theme song will be the official anthem for it!" Tidus said proudly.

" What about this giant statue of you?" Yuna asked, pointing to the giant statue of Tidus holding the Blitzball.

"Well… I don't find the STATUE offensive. Let's just get rid of the Blitzball." Said Tidus and they cut the Blitzball out and then it was just a plain old crazy statue not holding anything. " I'll put the NEW game's ball there once I've got it all figured out."

" OCH! Ye' got a bonny hole in the side of yer house, do you ken?" Ifrit exclaimed, peering out the hole of the house.

"…WHAT?" Tidus asked, not understanding the strange language that is…scottish accent.

" Don't worry. I'll call a team of carpenters to fix that." Said Yuna, and then went to go get the Yellow Pages so she could SUMMON a carpenter! Get it? GET IT? SUMMON?! As in SUMMONer?! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HA!

" You do that." Tidus said in an uninterested voice. " MEANWHILE, I'll start planning my new game. First, I'll say what my game ISN'T going to have."

" Aye, I'm right behind ye, laddie!" Ifrit said, deciding to stick around and watch Tidus since Scrubs was over.

" First of all… NO WATER. I am SO through with water." Tidus stated.

" Aren't we all?" Ifrit said with a wise nod of the head.

" Second of all… we need cool UNIFORMS. And mascots. Not just whatever we happen to be wearing on." Tidus continued.

" That's right!" Ifrit cheered, having no idea what Tidus was talking about.

" And don't forget-"

" HEY!" Tidus gave a start and turned around to see his friends Chumba, Gumba, and Wumba staring at him. They weren't the least bit surprised at seeing Ifrit. He IS Ifrit after all. He's very well known.

" I thought you said you were sick!" Chumba said, pointing a vindictive finger.

" I'm sorry you guys… I lied to you." Tidus said, hanging his head. " But! I have a very good reason for doing so."

" And what's THAT?" Chumba asked.

" I've decided to make a new game to play! If you guys want, you can join my committee on making it!" Tidus said enthusiastically. Just so you know, Tidus's idea of a committee is a bunch of guys sitting around, eating pizza and drawing pictures on notebook paper. It's not like he got smart all of a sudden or anything.

" Why do we need a new game to play? We've already got Blitzball." Chumba reasoned, so blind in his love of Blitzball, that he couldn't even comprehend the fact of wanting to play something else.

" Well… that's kind of my point. I don't WANT to play Blitzball anymore. So I'm making a new game to replace Blitzball." Tidus said in that special, naïve Tidus way.

Chumba froze and stared at Tidus, because that statement had just warped his fragile, Blitzball obsessed mind. Gumba and Wumba… aren't very important, and are only there so we can have a rhyme scheme.

" A game to REPLACE Blitzball? You must be… CRAZY." Chumba said in a very stupid way.

" I'm not crazy!" Tidus chuckled like Kureno. " On the contrary, I think anyone who WANTS to play Blitzball is crazy."

" Is that a CHALLENGE?" Chumba said in a random british accent.

" Well… no… not really…" Tidus said uneasily. Tidus is a pretty easy-going guy after all.

" I will fight you… for the honor of my people… for the honor of… BLITZBALL!" Chumba yelled overdramatically.

" You don't really HAVE to." Tidus said. " I never said you had to stop playing Blitzball. You can just go off and play your game with a potential unhealthy amount of cholorine."

" THAT'S IT! You and me! Right here! Right now! I'm gonna knock your bleach blonde head in!" Chumba yelled, and began shadow boxing like a fool.

" HEY! It's natrual!" Tidus shouted and got ready to fight. At first it had just been a matter of manly pride. Now, it was a matter of HAIR.

" Bring it!" Chumba said, hopping around in circles.

Tidus was just ABOUT to bring it, when Ifrit blocked his way and shook his head. " No, laddie! Now is no' the time for fightin'! Remember yer pledge to make a sport that is SAFE for everyone! How are people to ken it's safe if ye are knockin' this blighter about?"

" By the BLUE MOONS OF GANYMEDE, you're RIGHT, Ifrit!" Tidus realized, and shook his head. " I'm sorry, Chumba. But I'm going to be like Gandhi. And Gandhi doesn't play Blitzball."

" Chicken!"

" Chickens also don't play blitzball." Said Tidus.

" ARGH!" Said Chumba. " You just wait! I'll be back, and then we'll see whatever SISSY game you make is compared to the great legacy of… BLITZBALL!" Then he ran away randomly.

" Don't worry. WE believe in you and will join your committee!" Gumba said, hoping to make up for the EMBARASSING conduct of his older brother.

" I've never BEEN on a committee!" said Wumba, beside himself with excitement.

" Well… now you will, Wumba. Now you will." Tidus said.

" An' I will be President!" Ifrit said and started doing a scottish jig.

" No you won't! I will!" Tidus exclaimed.

" Oh…" Said Ifrit. " Can ah be vice-president?"

" No." Said Tidus, and thought about it for awhile. " You can be our bouncer."

" Oh, bonny!" Ifrit cheered and started doing his little jig again.

" A BOUNCER? We have our own CLUB?" Wumba gasped.

" No. But we will someday!" Tidus promised, just making this stuff up off the top of his head.

" WE CAN HARDLY WAIT!" Shouted Gumba and Wumba.

" Hello!" Said a man with a construction hat appearing out of nowhere. Everyone jumped and turned around to stare at him.

" Who are you?" Tidus asked.

" I'm That Buddy Barn Guy from Buddy Barn Fix Em Up!" Said That Buddy Barn Guy, appearing in every single Shoopuf Dude story I ever write in my life. " I'm here to fix up the giant whole in your mansion!"

" Well, THAT'S handy!" Tidus chuckled like Kureno. They then watched That Buddy Barn Guy walk up to the hole.

" Hmm…" Said That Buddy Barn Guy. " That's a pretty big hole. But with the power of… CEMENT. I think I can fix it."

" It's a good thing you have the power of cement at your side!" Wumba said, because he's easily impressed.

" That's right, sonny jim. Now you kids get back to whatever it was you were doing." Said that Buddy Barn Guy.

" OH-KAY!" Said the new Committee and ran inside to get the pencil and paper and milk and cookies.

" And what are you doing?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked Ifrit who had stationed himself in front of the door like he belonged there.

" Ah'm the BOUNCER." Ifrit informed That Buddy Barn Guy.

" Ah… I see…" That Buddy Barn Guy, and thought, ' They get weirder everyday.'

OMAKE!

Hello! My name is Hayley Wallace. You may know me from such other fanfics such as Random Adventures with Final Fantasy 7 Cast and Shoopuf Dude. If you do, then yes, I've still got PLENTY of fresh ideas. Shoo-Ball is going to be a bit like both of them, but there'll be more separate storylines going on at once here.

This Omake is where I answer questions you ask in your reviews! Questions about the story, questions about life… Just ask some questions, dammit.

Also, yes, questions can still be sent to Bigfoot. He does exist. And he works for ME. MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

So, please, review this story, ask a question, get tired, brush your teeth, wash your face, and then just go to sleep.

Ja ne!


	2. Auron Has Problems

Chapter 2

Auron Has Problems

Yeah, YOU heard me. Auron has problems. Or actually, a PROBLEM. I know what you're thinking. Could he be an alcholic? He DOES take a swig of the drink everytime he wins a battle, and that can't be good. Or maybe you're thinking, he's scarred for life because he was in love with Braska and nothing can EVER, EVER bring that crazy High Summoner back! Maybe you even went so far to say… he's DEAD. Of course he has problems!

But no. Auron is pretty okay with all that. He doesn't let it get to him. He does let ONE thing get to him, though. And that is the horror… of Auron's chunky arm.

Let's go back to the very beginning, to see where this problem started.

Young Auron. You know, the crazy Auron WITHOUT the sunglasses or the wine or the raspy voice, and the little ponytail that made you chuckle warmly. And the voice that reminds me of Jeff Goldblum. Back then, Auron kept BOTH of his arms in plain sight. He didn't keep one hidden. Why? Because both of his arms were perfectly proportinate! He had NOTHING to hide!

Then Auron went on some adventures with Jecht and Braska… became sad because everyone died including him, then went off to go find that idiot boy Tidus, blah de blah, you know the story. As time passed, Auron got older, cooler, and STRONGER. Compared to that old sissy Auron with the ponytail, he was… COOL TO THE MAX! Except for one thing… his arm.

I remember the first time I play Final Fantasy 10. I thought Auron was the shiz-nizzle my home fizzle. He had SUNGLASSES, and his mouth was hidden from view and he needed to shave but he DIDN'T. He looked like a strange mix of Bono, Shino, and Wolverine. One thing I found REALLY cool about Auron was… one of his arms was hidden!

At first I thought maybe he didn't have another arm and felt bad for him. But then I realized he had it folded into his coat, and that just made Auron seem even COOLER! Boy, Auron was my idol in those days! I was so sad when he didn't appear after Tidus went back to Spira.

Time passed… more crazy characters appeared… but no one could take the place of that shizz-nizzle Auron. Finally, after much waiting, he was back! And he was ready to fight! All of a sudden, Auron flung off his coat, and I was greeted with the horror that is…

THE CHUNKY ARM.

There is seriously something wrong with that arm. FIRST of all, it looks younger than the rest of Auron. It looks like he went through some sort of time portal, but stuck his arm out so it wouldn't age. Second of all, it's hairless. I'm not saying Auron is particularly hairy, but that arm looks like it's been WAXED or something. THIRD of all, it's a different shade of skin tone than the rest of his body. Maybe because he keeps it hidden from everyone because he's embarassed of it.

But most importantly of all, it's CHUNKY. Horribly so. ' It's just muscular, because he's strong!' Someone once argued. No. It's chunky. There's no getting around it.

There are many theories to why the arm was that way. Perhaps, since Auron was such a superdork when he was young, he made a pact with the Devil to become the Shizz-nizzle when he was older. But he had to sacrifice his arm, and so therefore doesn't reveal it often.

Or maybe the game designers just weren't that concerning on making Auron's arm look good. They were probably more obsessed with Wakka's arms, since he uses them more. But still, that's no excuse.

Maybe Auron's other arm is chunky too, and they're proportinate. But it's not like we'll ever SEE that arm.

Anyway, when it comes down to it, Auron has a problems. He's an alcholic. He was in love with Braska. He used to be a superdork. He's DEAD.

And he has a chunky arm.

HOOONK! (transition purposes)

" Hello everyone. My name is Auron." Said Auron in a very sexy old guy voice.

" Hi Auron." Said everybody.

"… and I am an alcholic." Auron finished, then sat down in his little chair. Then he looked up at the clock, and then back at AAAAALL the people in the room and sighed mentally. WHY he had gone to the meeting, he wasn't sure. He had come up with the idea earlier for some reason.

He had probably been drunk. Oh, the irony!

" Hi everybody. My name is Napoleon Bonaparte." Said Napoleon Bonaparte.

" Hi Napoleon." Said everybody.

" And I am ALSO an alcholic." Napoleon said and sat down.

" Hi everyone." Said the next person. " My name is Hwgina Darhotecnuonrp."

"Hi….uh…mumble…" Everyone said awkwardly.

" And I am ALSO an alcholic." Said Hwgina Darhotecnuonrp. Then she sat down.

" Do we have to go through everyone?" Auron asked in a mild-mannered voice.

" YES. EVERYONE deserves a chance to introduce themselves." Said some crazy happy lady named Ginny that was in charge of the AA Meeting.

" Well… do they all have to keep saying, ' I am an alcholic.' It's obvious that that's why we're here." Auron pointed out.

" To say it is… to ADMIT it." Ginny said in a very slow voice as if Auron couldn't understand english.

Auron decided to not press it anymore and sat through a few more people. Finally, he got up and asked, " Can I go to the restroom?"

" SURELY!" Said Ginny in a voice that was very…perky.

Auron got up and walked out of the room, straight past the bathroom, and out of that crazy AA Meeting, and promised to never go back. The AA Meeting building then exploded. Why did it explode you ask? Well…

I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.

So, as Auron is NEVER going back to that crazy AA Meeting, it's just gone off and exploded. Along with Napoleon. I guess now his name is Napoleon BLOWN-A-PARTE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HA!

…

ANYWAY, now that he was free of that annoying meeting, Auron walked down the road, wondering what to do next. Being dead and the Shizz-nizzle and chunky armed, I really don't know what he CAN do. After all, he can't linger about and make cryptic remarks anymore. THAT part of the game is over.

Auron thought about just giving up on Spira and go off to live on the Farplane, but the Farplane doesn't have things that Spira has. Like… ALCHOL. Auron looked down at his Gatorade-filled wine jug (he HAS been trying to fix his habit) and frowned. He decided to go and wine and dine!

Just as he made this decision, who came waltzing up but… LUZZU! YAAAAY! EVERYONE LIKES LUZZU! But not Gatta. And if you like Gatta… you need help.

" HI, Sir Auron!" Luzzu said warmly, clapping one hand on Auron's shoulder. Auron just sort of stared at Luzzu in a confused manner. He was trying to remember who Luzzu was! It's not like Auron really ever CARED about the Crusaders or anything. I know I never cared about the Crusaders. I just like Luzzu!

Luzzu is the man! His hair it's just like… THERE! OH YEAH!

" What did you want?" Auron asked Luzzu mildly in not the most buddy buddy kind of tones.

" What did I WANT? Sir Auron, you're so silly." Luzzu chuckled like Kureno. " I'm your sponsor!"

" My what?" Auron asked. He was still walking by the way. He was hoping that if he kept walking, maybe he would OUTWALK Luzzu and escape any talk.

" Your SPONSOR. I know breaking the habit is hard. But you look like you'll do a fine job! I know! Let's hang out, as Sponsor and Sponsered and celebrate your NEW outlook on life! Where were you headed anyway?" Luzzu asked.

" The bar." Auron replied, not really caring what Luzzu thought.

Luzzu paused. " To play POOL?" He asked hopefully.

" Not really." Auron admitted, turning near a bar.

" Now, Sir Auron, Sir Auron, Sir Auron…" Luzzu said, shaking his head, and putting one arm over Auron's shoulder. " You and I both know-"

" Could you please remove your arm from your shoulder?" Auron asked in a scary voice. He was probably just jealous of Luzzu's arm's UN-chunkiness.

" Sure thing. Sir Auron, you can't go to a bar and drink! That ruins the whole purpose of going to the AA meeting! I, as your sponsor, will not let you." Luzzu said firmly.

Auron thought about knocking Luzzu out, and just walking into the bar, but that's UNETHICAL and Auron is a man of ethics. So he decided to just humour Luzzu for awhile then slip away when he wasn't looking.

" Okay." Said Auron.

" ALL-RIGHT!" Luzzu cheered. " Now… let's think of some nice, healthy, fun non-inebriating activity to do! Right?"

" Hmm…" Said Auron since he didn't know such a thing existed.

" Let's go see… a MOVIE!" Luzzu said like it was the best idea in the whole world.

" I don't like movies." Auron said.

" Not even the AVIATOR?" Luzzu asked in a hintful voice.

" Especially not the Aviator." Auron replied.

Luzzu tried to hide his dissapointment, and tried again. " Okay… then let's go shoot some hoops!"

" No." Said Auron, because he didn't want to partake in ANY activity that might involve his chunky arm.

" Well, Sir Auron, what do YOU want to do?" Luzzu asked in a patient way.

Auron looked around at a loss for anything to say, and then said the first thing that popped into his mind. " Let's go gamble on Chocobos."

" OKAY!" Luzzu said. Maybe it didn't occur to him that gambling was nearly, if not JUST as bad as drinking but… OH WELL! So he and Auron made their ways to the Buddy Barn Chocobo Race Track together.

" Welcome to the Buddy Barn Chocobo Race Track Ticket Booth!" That Buddy Barn Guy said brightly as they both walked up the the ticket booth. " How much will you be betting today?"

" Well, not THAT much…" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno since he didn't really have that much money. " I'd say about… five-"

" Million Gil." Auron finished in a very unfazed voice.

Luzzu gave Auron a crazy look. " Uh… Sir Auron…"

" That much? Are you SURE?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked, because even though he's making money, he doesn't want to be some kind of mean person that drives Auron and Luzzu out of house and home.

" Yes." Auron told That Buddy Barn Guy. Then he bet all that money on a Chocobo named Teioh. With Luzzu at his side, they walked off the the race tracks where many other ignorant gammbling masses had already gathered.

" Uh… Sir Auron… do you really have that amount of money?" Luzzu asked Auron, not wanting to sound too rude.

" No." Said Auron, sitting down in his seat, secretly enjoying the panicked expression on Luzzu's face.

" But… what if we LOSE?" Luzzu asked in an ever so slightly doubtful voice. Luzzu is pretty easy going but this is even making HIM nervous.

" We won't." Auron said as if he knew. But he didn't. The fact that he's DEAD means he can do whatever he wants and not care about the consequences. How fun that must be for you, Auron!

" Well… I guess I'm gonna have to trust ya on that one!" Luzzu laughed nervously, as they watched all the crazy racing Chocobo's line up. Luzzu looked for Teioh and saw it was some crazy hispanic man with a sombrero riding on a Black Chocobo.

" Hey look! It's that famous Chocobo rider that always wins unless you use the cheat code!" Luzzu exclaimed, and praised the evil Beetle and all the other crazy things those Spirans do.

Little did he know that Teioh's rider had eaten one too many burritos and wasn't the Chocobo rider he had been in his old days. As the gun went off, Luzzu watched with hopeful spirits. Auron was just sitting there with a bored expression, sipping Gatorade out of his wine sack.

And so! The race was on! Everyone cheered for their crazy birds! Well… Auron didn't. But everyone else did.

Even though he's out of style and shape, Teioh was actually coming through in second place! But he was against… THE CHOCOBINATOR. The biggest, meanest racing Chocobo with Down Syndrome in the world. As they pulled in neck in neck, The Chocobinator pecked Teioh a good one on the head, and rushed past and came in first.

" YAAAAY!" Screamed all of the crazy people that had voted for the Chocobinator.

" NOOOO!" Yelled everyone who had lost, including Luzzu. Auron didn't care.

" We lost! What are we going to do? We owe a million dollars to Buddy Barn Guy Chocobo Race Track now…" Luzzu said, REALLY wishing they had gone and seen The Aviator now.

" What are we gonna do?" He asked Auron again.

" Leave." Said Auron.

" And not TELL anybody or pay That Buddy Barn Guy back?" Luzzu asked in a surprised voice.

" Yep." Auron replied as he started to walk out of the Race Track.

" Sir Auron, as your sponsor and a CRUSADER, I feel very bad about doing this." Luzzu admitted.

Auron shrugged and continued to walk out. Giving into peer pressure, Luzzu followed him, feeling the same of being… UNSPONSORLY. And UNCRUSADERLY.

The race track and all the gambling people exploded. Just as they were about to turn the corner, That Buddy Barn Guy ran up to Auron and Luzzu.

" HEY. You guys owe me a million gil!" That Buddy Barn Guy said with his hands on his hips.

" Yeah… about that…" Luzzu said shamefully.

" We don't have it." Auron said bluntly.

" But you BET it on your Chocobo!" That Buddy Barn Guy gasped in an offended voice.

Auron shrugged in a Clint Eastwood kinda way.

" You LIE? To Buddy Barn Guy, you LIE?" That Buddy Barn Guy demanded, drawing himself up in an offended manner. " Well! I never! Mark my words, you're going to PAY for this! A MILLION gil!"

" That's how much I owe you." Said Auron.

" That's the POINT!" That Buddy Barn Guy yelled.

" Oh." Said Auron.

That Buddy Barn Guy shot them a very ugly, foreboding look, then whipped out his magical orcarina and teleported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go. Luzzu and Auron watched him go, then looked at each other.

" …do you think he's going to sue us or something?" Luzzu said slowly.

Auron shrugged. He's DEAD. He doesn't care about gettng sued.

" I hope he doesn't cut off my credit cards! Or my LIBRARY card!" Luzzu said fretfully.

" Can we go to the bar now?" Auron asked, not having learned any lesson from this experience whatsoever.

" Only if we're going to play pool and drink water!" Luzzu said.

" How about we meet each other halfway and play pool and drink wine?" Auron asked.

Luzzu thought about it for awhile. " Okay!" He said. " Giving up the habit has a lot to do with meeting each other halfway!" Even though it doesn't.

Having succsessfully manipulated that silly, silly Luzzu, Auron began walking towards the bar. They were a few feet away when suddenly a long, sinister looking black car slid up right in front of them like it BELONGED there.

" You're blocking the bar." Auron told the car.

" MACHINA!" Luzzu shouted and started to panic but then got over it.

Suddenly the window rolled down, and the little voodoo doll Cait Sith peered out, with the little voodoo doll Moogle sitting next to him. In the back were the Onionknight, Cactuar and Alien.

" We hear you been cheatin' our pal, That Buddy Barn Guy." Voodoo Doll Cait Sith said in an italian accent, smoking a cigar. " We don't take too kindly to that."

" And who are you supposed to be?" Auron asked calmly, or as calm as someone can talk to a stuffed animal driving a car.

" We are… the VOODOO Mafia." The Voodoo Moogle said in a threatening voice. " I'm Tony."

" I'm Lenny." Said the Cactuar.

" I'm Parsneezi." Said the Onion Knight.

" I'm an alien." Said the Alien.

" And I'm the God Sith. And you might wanna think twice before you make bets you can't afford. If you can't get the money to our pal by next Saturday… you might find a pin in your head. LITERALLY." The God Sith warned.

" How can you have a pin in your head UNLITERALLY?" Luzzu asked foolishly.

The God Sith snapped his fingers. Parsneezi raised up a little voodoo doll of Luzzu and stuck a pen in it's head.

" OUCH!" Said Luzzu, grabbing his head.

" Get me?" The God Sith asked and then snapped his… paw. Then the car went zooming out.

" What are we gonna do Sir Auron? The Mafia's after us!" Luzzu asked Auron.

Auron frowned. HE didn't care that the Mafia was after him because… he's dead! But the Mafia being after Luzzu was… annoying! Poor Auron doesn't want to be responsible for Luzzu's death too!

Like I said, Auron has problems. He's an alcholic. He was in love with Braska. He's dead. He has a chunky arm. Luzzu is his sponsor. The Voodoo Mafia is after him. He owes That Buddy Barn Guy a million gil.

So what ARE you gonna do, Sir Auron?

Auron thought about it for a few bit. Then he turned to Luzzu.

" Let's go get a drink." He said.

OMAKE!

Well! It's nice that we got reviews from both new readers and OLD readers! (dances) Oh, you crazy meddling ferrets! In any case, some of you were intelligent enough to ask questions but not TOO many of you! Come on people! You know how to ask questions! ASK! ASSSSSK!

Strangely, all the questions are about Tidus's hair! HARDY HAR HAR! Oh well! There could be questions about WORSE things.

Perpetual Hysteria: (nice to see you again, hysteric one!) Tidu's hair.What does everyone think about it, eh? Yuna, do YOU think it's natural? I bet it isn't. What about That Buddy Barn Guy? Bigfoot? Hayley? Ifrit? ...Gumba and Wumba? What do YOU guys think of Tidus' hair, hmm?

Hayley: Well… I think it's generic and boring. Let's ask everyone!

Yuna: I think it's natrual and lovely and blah blah I'm so nice.

That Buddy Barn Guy: I think he should wear a HAT! LIKE ME!

Bigfoot: HAIR. FUZZY. PRETTY.

Ifrit: Ach, tis a bonny head of hair!

Gumba: I support President Tidus!

Wumba: I am IMPRESSED by his hair!

…

Next question!

Duct Tape Kitten: Why is Tidus's hair blonde? What were Square Enix thinking?!

Hayley: Well… let's see…

(imagination sequence)

Square-Enix: Ahahaha, we are so rich and cool we can do whatever we want.

Designer: I think his hair should be blonde.

Square-Enix: Ahahahaha, even though that's already been done with Cloudu and Zidaneu, let's do it with this guy too. We are rich we can do whatever we want.

(end imagination sequence)

…yeah, that about sums it up.

Anyway, ask MORE questions! And get more answers! That's how life works! YEAH! THE POWER OF TEAMWORKU!

Ja ne!


	3. Plans for NOT Shooball

Chapter 3

Plans For NOT Blitzball

After a long day of drawing pictures of little stick figures, which at first were supposed to represent the game, but quickly turned into little stick figure Matrix scene renactments, Gumba and Wumba told Tidus they had to go back home and that they'd be back tomorrow. That Buddy Barn Guy had long since finished covering the hole and whipped out his magical orcarina and teleported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go.

" Wow… what a day! I abolished Blitzball in my own home and had a Committee!" Tidus exclaimed, while brushing his teeth. " I'm so happy!"

_Little did I know… for long there wouldn't be that much to be happy about. _Said a sudden offscreen angsty, wistful Tidus voice.

" Hey… who said that?" Tidus asked.

_It's me. The depressed, annoyingly ominous version of you that serves for narration purpose. _Said the Angsty Tidus.

" Well… you're depressing. And I don't need you anymore. So why don't you just go away?" Tidus said.

_But… I'm here to remind you that all your happiness is futile!_

" GO AWAY!"

_Little did I KNOW at that time, but I was being a real ASSHOLE. _The Angsty Tidus narrated in an offended voice, and then quit talking. Tidus shrugged, finished brushing his teeth, flossed, got into his pajamas and then walked off to his bed.

Yuna was standing there at the door waiting for him. She wasn't wearing pajamas. Why? Because well… I just can't imagine her wearing pajamas. So she was just wearing her crazy old Summoner Robes. She probably has other clothes beside that, but I don't like hoochie pants so OH WELL!

" Ready for bed?" She asked Tidus.

" Uh-huh!" Said Tidus.

" Well… goodnight!" Yuna said in a boring way and walked off to her bedroom.

" Goodnight!" Said Tidus and walked off into his bedroom.

Um… isn't it strange that you guys live together in a Honeymoon Mansion… and sleep in separate bedrooms? Oh well. Maybe they're both still maturing. That's the impression _I_ got from playing the game.

Tidus was about to get into his bed when he noticed Ifrit was sitting on it. And that the bed was on fire.

" IFRIT!" Tidus yelled.

" Wha' is it, sonny?" Ifrit asked in an oblivious way.

" You're setting my bed on fire!" Tidus whined.

" Oh." Said Ifrit, looking down at the flaming bed. " Ah'm sorry. I was no' thinkin'!"

" TELL me about it! Well, now I have to go sleep on the couch!" Tidus grumbled, not even bothering to put out the fire on the bed.

" Why do you no' go sleep with Lassie Yuna?" Ifrit asked.

Tidus stared at him. " Why would I do something like THAT?" He asked.

"…no reason! Sorry again!" Ifrit replied, not believing how stupid Tidus was. Tidus shook his head again at that crazy Flaming Ifrit, and walked down to go sleep on the couch.

" Goodnight!" Tidus called to the whole house, settling down on the couch.

" Goodnight!" Yuna called since the walls are very thin.

" Goo'night, laddie!" Ifrit called, the air smelling very smoky.

_I thought that the good night would go on forever… _Said Angsty Narrator Tidus. Tidus ignored him and then fell asleep! RIGHT AWAY! To save time.

In his dreams, Tidus was frolicking about with all his friends and NOT playing Blitzball. Instead, they were playing Tag, a game that really doesn't take as much concentration or breath holding. As he was laughing, suddenly the sky went dark overhead and all his friends dissapeared.

" What's wrong?!" Tidus cried as thunder boomed in the background, and suddenly… who was standing in front of him, but… JECHT!

NOOOO!

" What are you doing running around like a fool, BOY?" Jecht asked in his gruff, mean old voice.

" Tag!" Tidus replied hotly.

" TAG?! TAG?! My SON PLAYING TAG?!" Jecht raged as if Tidus had just confessed to murdering people.

" WHY DO YOU HAVE TO CRITICIZE EVERYTHING THAT MEANS SOMETHING TO ME?!" Tidus yelled.

" What happened to Blitzball?" Jecht demanded.

" I've given up on Blitzball!" Tidus declared.

Jecht chuckled darkly. " Oh YEAH RIGHT. Blitzball is in your blood… and your dreams… and your OVERDRIVES! You can't stop playing it!"

" Oh yeah? WELL, WATCH ME!" Tidus snapped.

" The day you quit playing Blitzball is the day I put on a shirt. And we BOTH know that'll NEVER happen." Jecht declared and then poofled away. Then Tidus dreamed that a bunch of little kids were all throwing Blitzballs at him and kept chanting, ' WE WANT AN AUTOGRAPH!'

" No… no… I DON'T HAVE A PEN!" Tidus cried, just as Yuna shook him awake. She blinked.

" Are you alright?" Yuna asked.

" Oh… Yuna! It was all just a terrible dream!" Tidus said, sitting up.

" Would you like to talk about it?" Yuna asked.

So then Tidus told her. When he was done, Yuna nodded and said, " Well, that sounds pretty frightening. But no matter what you do, Tidus, I'm right behind you."

" Thanks Yuna." Tidus said and then it was a sickeningly happy moment and there were shojo sparklies in the background and Hayley excused herself while she went off to vomit.

" Top o' the mornin' to ye all!" Ifrit said, coming down the stairs. " What be for breakfast?"

" I haven't made it yet…" Yuna said, and then started to mentally beat herself up for not doing so.

" Do no' be worryin' ye head, lassie! AH will be makin' the breakfast!" Ifrit reassured her, and walked off into the kitchen. Tidus went off, got dressed, brushed his teeth and then went back downstairs. Just as he did… THE DOORBELL RANG! YAAAAAY!

Tidus walked down to the door and opened it up. It was Gumba and Wumba! Hurrah! They had a big fancy looking folder each and both of them looked very excited.

" Good morning President!" Both of them said. Actually, they said 'Taijou' because that's Japanese for 'President' and I like how it sounds better.

" Hi Gumba and Wumba! What's in the folders?" Tidus asked, showing them in.

" We came up with some ideas of our own, Taijou, and sketched them out! We hope you'll look at them!" Said Gumba.

" EVEN I came up with one!"Wumba exclaimed.

" I bet you did, Wumba, I bet you did." Tidus chuckled like Kureno. " And I'm sure if we combine all of our ideas together, we'll continue to come up with the best game EVER!"

" YOSH!" The three of them cheered.

" Oh yeah! Taijou, did you know there's a big hole burned into the side of your house?" Wumba asked Tidus.

" BREAKFAST BE READY!" Ifrit called.

HOOONK!

" You got ANOTHER hole?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked.

" I'm so sorry…" Yuna said, filling out the check to him. Meanwhile, Tidus, Gumba, and Wumba were getting ready to try Ifrit's… cooking.

" What IS this, exactly?" Tidus asked, as Ifrit placed a bowl of steaming… stuff, in front of all of them.

" HAGGIS!" Ifrit said.

" What's Haggis?" Gumba asked doubtfully. Wumba, who was impressed by Ifrit's cooking, started wolfing it all down immediately.

" Do you no' ken even the simplest of scottish recipes?" Ifrit said sadly.

" I BURNT MY TONGUE!" Wumba cried and ran off to get a drink.

Gumba and Tidus shrugged, and both took a spoonful, blew on it, then sipped.

" It be sheep's gut!" Ifrit said.

Wumba spit out the haggis and ran out to throw up. Tidus ate all of it because… Tidus is strange that way. When he walked out of the kitchen, he saw Gumba and Wumba standing there, waiting for him attentively.

" Okay! Let's see those great ideas you've been cooking up!" Tidus said, and they all went to go sit in the living room. Wumba was so excited about showing his idea that he was starting to hypervenilate, so they decided to just let him show his idea before he fainted or something.

" Okay… here it is!" Wumba said and cleared his throat, then began to read his idea outloud.

" Well… first of all, there's two teams. And the two teams hit a ball back and forth. They try and get the balls into NETS. But there's someone blocking the nets, so it's hard. And when they get it in the net, they get a POINT!"

"… and where do they play it at?" Tidus asked.

" UNDERWATER!" Wumba said enthusiastically.

" Uh… Wumba, you just described Blitzball." Tidus said.

" Oh…" Said Wumba after looking at his game plans. Then he crumpled them up and sat down with a shamed look on his face.

" Okay… well… why don't YOU talk about YOUR ideas, Gumba?" Tidus asked Gumba.

" I CAN'T! Wumba COPIED my ideas!" Gumba declared in an outraged voice.

" Okay. Listen people. We are NOT MAKING BLITZBALL. We're making a NEW game! Okay?" Tidus said, standing up.

" Okay…" Said Gumba and Wumba desolately.

" Now I'll talk about some of MY ideas. First of all, I want my game to be safe, so I think the ball should be soft." Said Tidus.

" SOFT!" Gumba and Wumba echoed, taking notes.

" And the game will ALSO not take place underwater." Tidus added.

" Soft and DRY!" Gumba and Wumba said, taking more notes. Then they looked expectantly at Tidus.

"… that's all I've come up with so far." Tidus admitted.

" Wha' about POINTS? How will ye be scorin' POINTS?" Ifrit asked, walking into the room wearing an apron that was on fire.

" Well… I dunno… not in NETS…" Tidus said.

" How about… HOLES?" Gumba said foolishly.

" Okay… SOFT, DRY and in HOLES." Tidus said. " We can make a game like that."

" Even though the ball is soft, will we still get hit in the head with it? Because I didn't like getting hit in the head with Blitzball." Wumba said.

" And will the holes be marked? I don't wanna trip over them." Gumba added.

" HOLD ON, PEOPLE! I CAN ONLY THINK SO FAST!" Tidus exclaimed. Just as he was getting ready to address these new issues… THE DOORBELL RANG! YAAAAY!

" Hold those thoughts." Tidus told Gumba and Wumba. Then he went to go get the door.

At the door were… Wakka and Kimahri! HURRAH! Both of them were wearing party hats and wearing banners that said ' HAPPY 2005.'

" HELLO, TIDUS!" Wakka exclaimed. " Happy New Year!"

" Hi Wakka. But… it's not New Years…" Tidus said slowly.

" It's not?" Wakka asked in a confused voice.

" No." Said Tidus. " It was almost a month ago."

" Oh." Said Wakka. Kimahri blew his little party horn thing. Then there was an awkward silence.

" You look just like Chappu!" Said Wakka, even though… Tidus looks NOTHING like Chappu! Chappu looks like WAKKA'S clone! ARGH! NOOOO!

" Thanks?" Tidus said.

" Well… since it's not New Years or anything… I guess there was no reason for me to come visit… even though I haven't seen you guys in awhile…" Wakka said in a neglected voice, looking longingly inside the house.

" Yep!" Said Tidus obliviously.

" Okay…well… see you…" Wakka said, and started moving away from the door at the speed of a catepillar.

" BYE!" Said Tidus and slammed the door. Then he went back to Gumba and Wumba.

" Who was it, Taijou?" Gumba asked.

" It was Wakka." Tidus replied.

" Did you tell him about our new game?" Gumba asked.

"…no… I don't think that would do him that much good actually." Tidus admitted because, well, Wakka loves Blitzball a little TOO much.

" Ach! I do very well think I'm a very fine cook! Do you no' agree?" Ifrit asked randomly, coming into the room with a big plate of cookies clutched between his flaming mittens.

Everyone tried a cookie.

" WOW, Ifrit… you really ARE a great cook!" Tidus lied, because those cookies were burnt to a crisp.

" I ken! All me life I been lookin' for a reason to exist, and now I've found it! Tisn't it bonny?" Ifrit asked. Everyone looked at each other awkwardly. They didn't want to tell Ifrit, the God of Fire, that his cooking sucked like… a really sucky thing.

" Ah'm not gonna be a fire Aeon anymore! Ye ken I'm going to be… THE MASTER CHEF!" Ifirt declared, and with this new purpose in life, marched off back to the kitchen, ready to cook up all sorts of heavenly delights. Then he realized he didn't know how to make anything but haggis. But this didn't get good old Ifrit down! He walked back out and up to the three boys.

" Can ye lads go and get me a cookbook, and some bonny ingredients from ye grocery store?" Ifrit asked.

" I dunno… we're coming up with some REALLY groundbreaking stuff here…" Tidus said reluctantly.

" PLEEEEEEASE?" Ifrit cried.

" Oh, OKAY." Tidus said, getting up. " Come on guys! Let's go the the Grocery Store! And while we're there, we can look for SUPPLIES for our new game!"

" HURRAH!" Said the three of them and marched out of the mansion into the sunset even though it's morning.

OMAKE!

WOW! You guys ask questions like you were BORN to ask questions! And who am I but to ANSWER them? Okay! Let's a go!

Duct Tape Kitten:

Auron, what's your favorite color?

Auron: (sarcasm) Well, DEFINITELY not red.

Bigfoot, if you had to choose, who would you save, Yuna or Tidus?

Hayley: WOO! SCENARIO TIME!

(Suddenly Yuna and Tidus are hanging from the cliff of Mt. Doom, clinging on for life)

Yuna and Tidus: HELP ME BIGFOOT!

Bigfoot: NOOOO! BIGFOOT SACRIFICE HIMSELF FOR FRIENDS! (jumps into the lava)

Hayley: Uh… however noble that is, it still doesn't change the fact that they're both still hanging there…

Wow! THIS crazy person really likes to ask questions! Good thing I like to give answers.

why is Yuna so nice?

Hayley: Because she is… a foolish girl. AWK!

what are Auron's other problems?

Hayley: Wow, if he has even more than that… he's gonna need to go to counseling! Okay! He's um… He doesn't have an image song! NOOOOO!

when is Rikku gonna come?

Hayley: Eventually… I can't guarenetee that I won't KILL her, though…

what kind of gel does Wakka use for his hair?

Hayley: The same kind Jimmy Neutron does.

5. why doesn't Lulu look fat when she was pregnant?

Hayley: She wasn't REALLY pregnant.

was she REALLY pregnant?

Hayley: …

will the other aeons like Yojimbo or the Magus Sisters ever show up?

Hayley: YES! All of them but Valefor! I HATE YOU VALEFOR!

why did this chapter have nothing to do with Shooball?

Hayley: BECAUSE… BECAUSE! The magic of SEPARATE STORYLINES!

what did Kimahri eat to turn so blue?

Hayley: I THINK… he was born that way? No? Smurfs?

what is Seymour's sexual interest, straight or gay?

Hayley: I can either give you the yaoi fangirl answer or the yaoi fangirl answer. YES.

And for everyone who was confused with the last chapter… like I said… SEPARATE STORYLINES! OH NOOO! THEY'RE CONFUSING BUT FUN AT THE SAME TIME! EVERYONE PRAY THAT THE GREAT HAYLEY DOESN'T CONFUSE YOU TOO MUCH!

I'll do my best… don't worry! It won't be NEARLY as bad as Random Adventures with FF 7 Cast and Shoopuf Dude.

Ja ne!


	4. Seymour Has Problems

Chapter 4

Seymour Has Problems

MEANWHILE, as crazy old Tidus started out on his way to the grocery store, Luzzu and Auron were standing in a bar next to a pool table, wondering how to save themselves from the Voodoo Mafia. Well, Auron was wandering how to save Luzzu.

" STRIKE!" Said Luzzu as he rammed one pool ball into another.

" Luzzu… in pool, it isn't called strike." Auron said.

" Oh!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno. " OKAY. Homerun!"

" It's not that either."

" Touchdown!"

" No."

" Goal!"

" No."

" Hole in One?"

" No."

" Then what IS it?" Luzzu demanded in a desperate voice. Auron started to answer but then realized… HE DIDN'T KNOW! ARGH! AND HE'S AURON! HE'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYTHING!

NOOOO!

" We have more important things to worry about. For one thing, we have the Voodoo Mafia after us." Auron said. " And unless we got them a million gil, you're screwed."

" Oh YEAH." Said Luzzu as if being chased down by the mafia was no big deal. And maybe it's not, to our dear friend Luzzu. " THE MAFIA. Wow! Where are we going to get a million gil, Sir Auron?"

" I do not know." Auron said and began to think.

" I KNOW! We can play POOL for money!" Luzzu said after five minutes.

" No," Said Auron. " We can't. Nobody plays pool but you."

" Oh… then let's sell stuff." Luzzu said.

" …Okay." Said Auron. " Like what?"

Luzzu thought and thought and thought but finally decided that he didn't have anything to sell because Luzzu doesn't have a house! He doesn't! Have YOU ever seen it? That's what I thought.

And so they thought and they thought and SUDDENLY, Auron had a GREAT IDEA! But he didn't get really excited because… he is Auron. And he is the shizz-nizzle.

" Luzzu, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Auron asked Luzzu.

" Yes, Sir Auron! We can make pencils that taste like bacon, and bacon that tastes like pencils!" Luzzu enthused.

"…no." Auron said slowly.

" We can play pool?" Luzzu tried.

" No." Auron said, trying to have patience with his sponsor. " We can rob a bank."

" ROB A BANK?" Luzzu gasped, then frowned. " I dunno, Sir Auron… that doesn't sound like the BEST idea…"

" Well it's better than your ideas." Said Auron.

" You're right!" Luzzu chuckled like the easy going guy he is. " But Sir Auron, I don't know how to rob a bank!"

" Well… neither do I." Auron admitted.

" I bet someone really EVIL would know how." Luzzu remarked.

" Well, who do we know that's really evil?" Auron asked.

DUN-DUN-DUN!

Seymour has problems. Possibly more than Auron. Okay, MUCH MORE than Auron.

First of all, he's half guado, that sounds like guano. Second of all, his hair is blue. Third of all, he's the least coolest villian that was ever in a Final Fantasy game. And if you want to argue, then go ahead, but know that Kuja, Kefka, Sephiroth, Crazy Witch Lady, and Garland are laughing their asses off at Seymour.

Did I mention his name is SEYMOUR? Oooh… what a sinister name… SEYMOUR! Ooh… it's givin' me chills! SEYMOUR! SEYMOUR! Isn't it an EVIL name?

…no. No it's not. And when I hear Seymour, I think of Clefairy and the Moon Stone.

There's even more problems. Seymour, like Kuja, belongs to the club of villains known as, ' I'm the bad guy but I don't get to be the final boss battle.' Kuja was replaced with Mr. Swiss Cheese Head. Seymour was replaced with the evil beetle that is impossible to lose against. Oh, shame, shame.

Did I mention that he… GASP, killed his father? Or that he KISSED YUNA AGAINST HER WILL! NO! BLASPHEMY! How about the fact that he has blue hair? I already said that? Okay.

Yes, Seymour has many problems. But right now, he has ONE problem that's a lot worse than any of the things I've listed. And that is…

Seymour's clothes make him look fat.

I'm serious! Have you SEEN his regular outfit? It's… so crazy! It makes him look like he's pregnant! And unless there's some weird Guado custom that I don't know about, I know he's not pregnant. He also looks like he has a beer belly, but we all know Seymour doesn't drink.

And his special priest outfit makes him look like… a fat priest. And when he's in his crazy creepy mode as a boss… it doesn't matter if he's fat or not, because he's a creepy crazy person.

Now, before you all get mad at me, I'm not saying Seymour IS fat. I'm certain that he's actually a very nice specimen of GuadoHumanhood. But he LOOKS fat. He just… DOES!

And don't think Seymour doesn't know. Cause he does. And being Seymour, he obsesses ENDLESSLY about it. Even more than the normal 'my angst-ridden past' bad guy angst, Seymour has self-confidence issues angst.

So, anyway, just before Luzzu and Auron partied down to see Seymour… let's tell you where Seymour actually is! He's not dead. Silly. He's alive and well and living in a mansion like Yuna's and Tidus's, only his is creepier and has a lot of crazy random Seymour minions running around. Everyone loves those crazy minions.

" LACKEY!" Seymour shouted from his room.

" Yes?" Said his faithful lackey who camped outside the room.

" Has the clothing I ordered from the Spiegel catalog arrived yet?"

" No…"

" ARGH!" Said Seymour. " WELL WHEN WILL IT GET HERE?"

" I… I'll go check…" Said the lackey slowly and walked off and wished that it were more like the old days, when he got to do things like cast Shell and Protect, instead of waiting for Seymour's various clothing orders to arrive.

Seymour sighed overdramatically and walked out of his room wearing a sexy bedrobe that unfortunately just made his nose look very big. Poor Seymour. All that potential and your clothes WRECK YOU! ARGH!

Being… Seymour, he then decided to go downstairs and have his minions make him some toast. As he went down, he didn't stop to look at himself in any mirrors because Seymour doesn't have any mirrors because he's SO self-concious about his looks that it just hurts him to even stare at himself.

" I WANT SOME TOAST!" Seymour yelled into the kitchen angrily as all the veins on his face bulged.

" Yes, sir, Seymour sir!" All his little minions cried and quickly stuffed a toaster with some toast.

" YOU! Did my Spiegel Order come yet?" Seymour demanded of the minion from earlier. Little did poor Seymour know that Spiegel had exploded long ago, along with his order.

" No sir! But there are some people at the door." Said the lackey.

" PEOPLE?" Seymour demanded in his swishy voice. " What kind of PEOPLE?"

His lackey shrugged, as a lackey is supposed to do in these sort of situations. Seymour sighed in disgust and cast all his minions aside and strode to the door himself.

" Who dares enter the lawn and knock on the front door of SEYMOUR?" Seymour demanded, swinging open the door to see Auron and Luzzu standing there like they BELONGED there.

" Hi!" Said Luzzu brightly.

Seymour paused for a few seconds, then he looked at Auron and gasped. " YOU! YOU GOOD GUY!" He said in disgust. Auron ignored Seymour and walked in, followed by Luzzu.

" You can't come into my house!" Seymour argued, secretly feeling self concious about how the clothes he was wearing made him look.

" I just did." Auron replied, secretly hoping his chunky arm wouldn't reveal itself.

" Ha-ha!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno, for he is a complete and utter idiot.

" I won't tolerate behavior like this! LACKEYS!" Seymour called.

" We're making toast!" His lackeys called.

"…oh. Well then… I HAVE NO CHOICE! ANIMA, I SUMMON THEE!" Seymour called, and then a dark portal surrounded all of them and lightning struck and everyone waited for that murderous fish to come out and instead… a murderous fish came out!

" Why, hello! Are you Seymour's little friends?" Anima asked in a motherly voice. " Isn't that nice? Have you come over to play?"

" MOOOOOM! I NEED YOU TO OBLITERATE THEM!" Seymour whined.

" Of COURSE you do." Anima chuckled like Kureno, and held out a big plate of cookies to Seymour. " Now there you go! You and your little friends can all share this plate of cookies as long as you promise to each eat an apple afterwards!"

" Mom! You're embarassing me!" Seymour hissed.

" Well, I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer, but Jenova and I are going shopping." Anima said, and put on a big orange hat and grabbed a flowery bag with her creepy messed up… limb. Then the door bell rang.

" That must be her!" Anima said, and opened the door to reveal a everyone's favorite big gross mass of alien tissue with a vaguely human face! It was Jenova! She also had a strange purple hat balancing on her head.

" Well, we're off! You kids play nice!" Anima said, and then she and Jenova walked off together to do whatever it is their kind do.

After that there was an uncomfortable silence. Then Seymour pointed at Luzzu in a threatening way and uttered in a cryptic voice, " Death awaits you!"

" Death awaits us ALL." Luzzu chuckled like Kureno. Seymour was about to argue but then he realized… Luzzu was right! You can't argue with that! ARGH! By now Seymour's veins were pumping ridiculously.

" Hey! Do you have a pool table in here?" Luzzu asked.

" WHY ARE YOU HERE!" Seymour yelled in a frusturated voice.

" We owe One Million gil to the Voodoo Mafia." Said Auron in a completely calm voice.

" And this means what to me?" Seymour said, quietly rearranging his bathrobe but hoping no one would notice.

" We need to rob a bank to get the money. And you're the only evil person we know that's still alive and didn't explode." Luzzu pointed out. Since Maester Maika and those other losers exploded a long time ago.

Well… ACTUALLY… they could have asked Shelinda… but since I hate Shelinda more than anything in the entire world… I don't think so.

" What makes you think I know how to rob a bank?" Seymour exclaimed.

"…you're evil?" Auron and Luzzu said slowly, and they both realized they hadn't really thought this one out too well.

" I mean… I DO know how, because you have to take a class before you become a bad guy, but… why do you have to come and bother me about it? I have more important things to do than… help YOU two rob a bank." Seymour said in haughty tones.

" Like what?" Auron challenged.

" PLENTY of things." Said Seymour.

" Seymour, sir, do you want your toast with jam or butter?" Seymour's lackey called from the other room.

There was another awkward silence, and just as Luzzu and Auron were about to call Seymour on the fact that, um, NO, he doesn't have plenty of more important things to do… the doorbell rang! HURRAH!

Since Luzzu was closest, he turned around and opened it.

And who was it but… Wakka and Kimahri! Yay! Wakka was dressed exactly like Lucky from the cereal commercials. Kimahri had a giant shamrock painted on his face.

" Happy St. Patricks Day!" Wakka said, looking and sounding strangely, very Irish.

Luzzu, Auron and Seymour just stared blankly at them. Then Kihmari punched Seymour in the face.

" WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?" Seymour yelled, after stumbling back up to his feet.

" You not wearing green." Said Kimahri. Luzzu was wearing green socks and Auron has a green… ring.

" IT'S NOT ST. PATRICK'S DAY!" Seymour yelled.

" It's not?" Wakka asked.

" No." Said everyone.

" Oh…" Said Wakka. Then there was an uncomfortable silence.

" Have you seen Tidus lately? He looks just like Chappu!" Wakka said enthustiastically.

_No he doesn't, _everyone though to themselves quietly and continued to stare at Wakka.

"…Okay, then, I guess we'll be going!" Wakka laughed nervously, then he and Kimahri edged slowly away, and closed the door very quietly.

"…anyway…" Said Auron, turning back to Seymour who was rubbing his face resentfully.

" Do you honestly expect me to just DO something like rob a bank for you after all the pain you've caused me?" Seymour demanded.

" Yep." Said Auron and Luzzu.

" Well…" Seymour said slowly. " I would… but only on one condition."

" Really? WHAT COULD IT BE!" Luzzu said excitably, hoping it would be to play a game of pool.

"… I want…" Seymour said, looking dramatically off to the distance, " You to find me the greatest clothing designer in the world."

Auron and Luzzu blinked at Seymour quizically. Why would he want someone like that? My word! How mysterious!

" If you do that for me… I will help you rob this bank." Said Seymour.

" But we don't know anything about designers!" Luzzu exclaimed.

" I do." Said Auron.

" Really?" Seymour asked cautiously.

" Yes." Said Auron. But does he REALLY know? Or is he bluffing? Does it matter? Since he's DEAD he can do anything he wants and get away with the consequences! Does ANYONE really know what he's thinking? Even I, the AUTHOR? AM I IN CONTROL OF THIS STORY AT ALL!

ARGH!

…okay, deep breaths, CONTINUING.

" In that case… you're on." Seymour said, holding out one hand.

" Good." Said Auron and shook Seymour's hand with his NON-chunky arm.

" Oh-kay!" Said Luzzu and slapped Seymour in the head because he had thought the hand meant a high-five… but it wasn't and so he accidently hit Seymour instead.

" IMBECILE!" Seymour shouted.

" Idiot…" Auron said shaking his head.

" We're gonna be the GREATEST friends! And alcohol-free!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno.

And so… the great bank robbery was in the making!

OMAKE!

Oh, my lord! That took a long time! But, gentle reader, I have school and you must be tolerant of me because I am not very tolerant of school. Happy Chinese New Year! Happy Mardi Gras! Happy… Day! Yes, Happy Day. Time for questions!

Suuki: How can Ifrit cook anything unburnt?

Hayley: Well… I assume he has the ability to CONTROL whether he burns things or not… otherwise he would burn himself! He'd be the Burning Ifrit! Like the Flaming Amarant! ONLY NOT!

Usagi0: (Like JOHNNY ZERO!) Bigfoot, what is YOUR opinion on Shoopuf Dude?

Bigfoot: Bigfoot never SEE Shoopuff. BIG MYSTERY.

Usagi0: Hayley, will you please kill/torture Wakka for me?

Hayley: No… because Wakka is the hispanic ham-ham from Hamtaro, and for that reason I spare his life.

Usagi0: Yuna, what the hell is wrong with you?

Yuna: Um… uh… (mumble in demure tones) I'm so demure!

Lazy Kitsune: (WOW, YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON YOUR HANDS!)

where was Ifrit born?

Hayley: In the hills of Scotland! Just kidding. Uh… in a computer?

are those Yuna's natural eye colors or is she wearing contacts?

She stole them from me! I'm writing a novel and I chose green and blue colors first! (sobs) NEVER…ANY…SACRED…!

what are Gumba and Wumba's IQ levels?

Respectively? Gumba Chicken BooWumba Mentally retarded Chicken Boo

what material is Lulu's dress made out of?

Lord, I don't know, fool child!

where did Yuna get her clothes, at the swapmeet? snickers

(snicker, snicker) …I don't get it…

what shampoo do the Al Bhed use?

Why… Head and Shoulders, but however you pronounce it in their fool language!

what did the Ronso eat to turn blue?

I did some research and it was actually that damn rabbit and his magic nose's fault! Argh! FIRST THE CAT, THEN THE DUCK, THEN THE PUPPY, NOW THE RONSO!

are chocobos distantly related to chickens?

Nope. Ostriches.

what did the Guado do to make their hair like that?

Lots and lots of… mousse.

is the Bevelle fayth a guy or a girl or both? O.o

I think he's a guy, but he's also probably Izzy so… who knows?

is Tidus aware that his shorts are different lengths?

He probably cut them that way and thought, " I'm so cool! I'm so unique! DA-HUCK!"

what is Tidus's nationality? Californian? Japanese? Hawaiian? Samoan?

All of those combined together and then… given an english name that the Japanese pronounce like this, ' TEE-dus.' And then because that's the first way you hear it pronounced, you pronounce it that way too, and everyone at conventions make fun of you and you still call him Teedus and then… (looks off into the distance)

what is up with Bartello's obsession with Auron!

Whose Bartello? Awk! I'm trying to remember but… I can only remember Auron's obsession with Braska!

did Yuna inherit Yunalesca's insanity along with her name?

No… she inherited her… nothing. I don't know. I hate Yuna.

did Braska, Auron, and Jecht ever have a drinking contest? if they did, who won?

Yes. And Jecht won! And Braska and Auron didn't even drink! So actually, it was just a case of Jecht drinking. OH WELL!

Anyway… keep those questions coming people! And I'll keep answers coming! And chapters! Yes! Let's work together, come on, come on, let's work together! And together we will stand every boy girl woman and MAAAAN!

Ja ne!


	5. The Many Wonders of Grocery Shopping

" Help! My wife's turned me into a fruit bat! Won't anyone help me return to my true form?" Regent Cid cried, but by now he's too late to be an important staple in the plot.

Chapter 5

The Many Wonders of Grocery Shopping

" Taijou!" Gumba exclaimed.

" Yes?" Tidus replied.

" Which way do we go to get to the grocery store?" Gumba asked as he, Wumba, and Tidus walked through the… PLAINS. Why were they plains? I DUNNO. They just are.

" Well, Gumba, I'm glad you ask, because I don't know! I've never been to the grocery store before. But I'm sure if we believe in ourselves and walk around for long enough… we will find that grocery store!" Tidus said as inspirational music began to play in the background.

" TAIJOU!" Gumba and Wumba cried. " We're so inspired!"

And so, the three of them wandered around the plains, until suddenly… they found a hurt baby bird! AWWWW! Tidus picked it up, and cast Cure, and then flung it into the air and it flew away and a rainbow came out.

" Live and let live!" Tidus said in the same voice he uses in battle because the game producers were too lazy to change it.

" You're the best Taijou!" Wumba said, easily impressed by the healing of the bird.

" BECAUSE OF YOUR NOBLE SPIRIT, I WILL GRANT YOU ACCESS TO THE GROCERY STORE." Said a random deep voice from nowhere, and the ground opened up and suddenly the Grocery Store for Noble Goody Two Shoes appeared out of nowhere.

" Hurray! How did you know that if you did something noble we'd find the Grocery Store for Noble Goody Two Shoes?" Wumba asked Tidus enthusiastically.

" I just did, Wumba, I just did." Tidus said sagely even though he had had no indication that healing the bird would bring such a grocery store. Together the three of them walked into the grocery store and got ready to go SHOPPIN'!

" It's a good thing Ifrit gave us this massive list of things he needs! Let's see… ' A bonny cookbook and ingredients.'" Said Tidus, holding up a slightly charred list that Ifrit had given them.

" Okay… we need that… but we ALSO need to get supplies for our game! So, Wumba, I'm assigning you to take care of that." Tidus told Wumba.

" ME? You're giving ME that much responsibility!" Wumba cried, trying not to faint. " Thank you Taijou!"

" No problem. Gumba, you take this, ' bonny cookbook' buisness on." Tidus told Gumba.

" Will do, Taijou!" Said Gumba, and saluted.

" As for me… I'll look for ingredients." Said Tidus, and then pointed VERY overdramatically at the aisles of the grocery store. " We'll meet by the magazine rack! TEEN TITANS, GO!"

And then the three of them ran off like fools. And then they knocked over a Cookie Crisp display. Then they cleaned it up. THEN, they continued shopping.

Okay… well, if you haven't read my other works, you must know, for transition purposes, I use the word HOOONK! So I won't warp your fragile mind. So when I say…

HOOONK!

…that means the scene changed. Okay? Think you can handle it? Are you sure? Okay. Let's go.

HOOONK!

" A BONNY cookbook…" Said Gumba. " I wonder where I can find a cookbook like THAT."

Little did Gumba know that bonny just means… good. He thought it was the title, brand, or author or something like that! HA! That crazy Gumba!

" Excuse me!" Said Gumba at some random employee who just happened to be strolling by.

" YEEES?" Asked the random employee who we will call Random Helper Harley.

" I'm looking for a cooking book! A BONNY cook book." Gumba said.

" Hmm… I know we have some cooking books, but I don't know if we have some BONNY cook books." Random Helper Harley said, stroking his chin. " But if you want to, we can go check."

" Thank you so much!" Gumba exclaimed as if that were to much to ask from an EMPLOYEE or something.

" No problem!" Said Random Helper Harley, and together they walked over to the cook book section. Don't worry, it's not that big of a section. It's smaller than your cook book section. Don't get jealous.

" Bonny… bonny… nope! I don't see bonny anywhere." Random Helper Harley said.

" AW, MAN." Said Gumba. " I've let down taijou."

" How about this SIBERIAN cook book?" Random Helper Harley offered, since he felt bad for not being all that helpful.

" Uh… okay!" Said Gumba, since he felt bad about making Random Helper Harley look for no reason. He knew that this wasn't what he was SUPPOSED to be getting, but he was doing it anyway. That's okay, Gumba. It's your life. Do as you will.

HOOONK!

" GO DREAM… GO FIND INGREEEEDIEEEENTS… NO REI ATAMA NI ETO…!" Tidus sang outloud in his obnoxious japanese singing voice. " I'LL FIND… THE INGREDIENTS! LAH-LAH-LAH… LAH-LAH…!"

Luckily, he eventually had to THINK and since Tidus can't think and sing at the same time, he quit singing. PHEW! Thank goodness.

" Now what kind of ingredients should I get?" Tidus wondered outloud. " I know! I'll get all MY favorite ingredients!" Well, that's logic for you! Of course… Tidus's favorite ingredients were things like MILKY WAYS and Garlic Salt, which you can't really mix together, but oh well. Tidus also got the basics, you know, sugar, salt, that kind of thing. Then he threw it all into his bag and decided that he had gotten enough ingredients and began to sing again.

" GOOOO DREEEEEEAM! BLAH BLAH BLAH… INOU SAAA….!"

HOOONK!

" I'm so nervous! I hope I can do this right!" Wumba stuttered as he stressed over getting supplies for… the GAME. A very daunting task. He didn't even know where to start! Or end! OR CLIMAX!

" You look like YOU could use some help." Said Random Helper Harley appearing randomly from nowhere.

" Oh, YES SIR." Said Wumba appreciatively.

" Well, what can I help you with, sonny jim?" Random Helper Harley asked.

" I need to get supplies for a game we're creating." Wumba said.

" What kind of game? A video game? A board game?" Random Helper Harley asked.

" A SPORTS game." Wumba corrected.

" OH… a SPORTS game. Well, you know, there's one thing you need for EVERY sports game you ever play." Random Helper Harley said, stroking his chin.

" RULES?" Asked Wumba.

" No. GATORADE." Said Random Helper Harley.

" Oh! Gatorade!" Wumba said because he was easily convinced that he needed Gatorade even though he didn't know what it was. " Where can I get that?"

" Right here!" Said Random Helper Harley, pointing to the conviently placed Gatorade section. " I assume you'll be getting a LOT of gatorade?"

" Oh yes!" Said Wumba, and got fifty packs of gatorade and managed to fit them all in a small shopping cart. He REALLY wanted to feel the rush. Then he reasoned that he couldn't fit anything else into the shopping cart, so THAT must mean that he had gotten everything he needed for game supplies! Even though he had only gotten gatorade! AWK!

" THANK YOU Random Helper Harley!" Wumba exclaimed.

" No, Wumba, thank YOU." Said Random Helper Harley and then they both chuckled like Kureno and walked off into the sunset, then walked back into the store.

HOOONK!

" Did everyone get what we set out for?" Tidus asked as they all rendevoused in front of the magazine rack. Well… at least Gumba and Tidus did. Wumba got lost.

" I got this SIBERIAN cook book." Gumba admitted.

" There wasn't a bonny cook book?" Tidus asked.

" No…" Said Gumba, hanging his head in shame.

" Oh well! I'm sure it'll turn out okay somehow." Said Tidus. " Hey… where's Wumba?"

" I'M SO SORRY TAIJOU!" Wumba screamed, pushing his shopping cart of Gatorade that must have weighed at least three times his body weight towards Tidus and Gumba.

" Hey Wumba! What do you got there?" Tidus asked.

" Gatorade!" Said Wumba.

" Good job!" Said Tidus, not even knowing what gatorade was. " Well, I got the ingredients, so I guess it's time to check out!"

And so… THEY DID. And who was running the checkout but Random Helper Harley! Hurrah!

" Oh, NO, you don't have to pay for anything here." Said Random Helper Harley.

" Why not?" Tidus asked.

" This is the Grocery Store for Noble Goody Two Shoes. We don't take money from people like you!" Said Random Helper Harley.

"… so what do we do? Just walk out?" Tidus asked.

" Shucks howdy! Yes!" Said Random Helper Harley.

" Wow! THANKS RANDOM HELPER HARLEY!" The three of them cheered, and ran out the door. " Bye!"

" Bye!" Said Random Helper Harley and exploded.

" Now we can get back to Ifrit!" Said Tidus as the Final Fantasy Victory theme played in the background.

" Oh-kay!" Said Gumba and Wumba and they started to make their way through the plains across the overworld back to the mansion. And just as they did… the screen suddenly shattered into glass-like pieces in front of them and all the music dissapeared and there was a blinding light!

…

" Oops! My glasses broke!" Said Gumba.

" My CD player quit playing." Said Tidus.

" And my flashlight exploded!" Said Wumba.

Then they all chuckled like Kureno and continued on their merry way. After a little while, suddenly two people suddenly came rolling really fast down a hill and landed in front of them randomly.

It was Wakka and Kimahri! YAAAAAY!

Wakka was dressed up like a pilgrim. Kimahri was dressed in a strange, rodent-like costume.

" Happy Groundhogs Day!" Said Wakka.

" Uh… Groundhogs Day was a couple of weeks ago." Said Tidus.

" It was?" Wakka asked.

" Yep." Said Tidus.

Then there was an awkward silence. Kimahri shifted uncomfortably in his giant groundhog costume.

" Your friends look just like Chappu's friends!" Wakka said randomly, even though they looked nothing like Chappu's friends.

" Cool!" Said Wumba. Then there was another awkward silence.

" Well… see ya!" Said Wakka, and he and Kimahri ran back up the hill and dissapeared.

" BYE!" Said Tidus, Gumba and Wumba, and continued on their journey. And they eventually reached home, but this chapter is called The Many Wonders of Grocery Shopping and since there were no more wonders at home, you'll just have to wait for another chapter about what happened THEN.

OMAKE!

Wow! That took a long time! But you'll just have to get used to it! BWAHAHAHA! I have more IMPORTANT things than this stupid fanfic. So PSHAW! Anyway…

The infallible Lazy Kitsune returns with even MORE crazy questions! Even CRAZIER than this crazy story! WOWZA! Of course I'll be answering them ALL. Why? It makes the chapters look longer! DA-HUCK!

have seymour's lackeys ever thought of QUITTING and finding NEW JOBS?

Hayley: Well, if they did THAT, they would explode! AWK!

2. is lulu the head of the VooDoo Mafia?

Hayley: No. God Sith is. But I thought that was obvious!

have you ever told yuna that you hate her? sometimes talking things out works.

Hayley: I did but nothing happened. (sob) I think she couldn't hear me.

why is lulu's theme so creepy? (shudders)

Hayley: My soundcard is broken… (sniff) so I have no way of remembering her crazy theme. But if I did, I'm sure I would agree. Unless it was a happy theme and only you think it's creepy…

5. what is up with wakka's weird obsession with tidus looking like chappu!

Hayley: I DUNNO! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT CRAZY HAM-HAM MAN! ARGH!

6. it's a little late, but WHO THE HELL IS KURENO!

Hayley: That's KIND of an inside joke… but it's one of the many running jokes in the Shoopuf Dude series along with Fruit Bat turned Cid, IMPOSHIBIBBLE! That Buddy Barn Guy and Hayley's theory of explosion. You have to have read Shoopuf Basket to understand it, and you have to have seen the anime FRUITS BASKET to get THAT. EXHAUSTING!

7. does wakka have a calendar?

Hayley: I don't think so… poor guy.

8. is kimahri working for wakka?

Hayley: Yes… Kimahri is Wakka's FLUNKY! WHY! I HAVE NO IDEA!

9. why does brother have a crush on yuna, his COUSIN? (ew next thing you know he has a crush on his sister)

Hayley: For more on Brother… stay tuned to the next chapter!

why does tidus like yuna at all? i don't get it...you could've done so much better, tidus!

Hayley: YEAH, TIDUS! You could have liked… ANYONE ELSE! Oh well! At least he doesn't like… Shelinda…

DON'T SPEAK HER NAME, IT'S THE ANTICHRIST!

Shucks howdy! Now I remember Bartello! And his crazy summoner. " I'll never wash this hand again!" INDEED! Imagine what it would have been liked if he had shaken the CHUNKY ARM'S hand, however…

Bartello: AHHH! CHOP IT OFF! (chops off his own hand)

Heh-heh. Anyway, remember to send questions and wait patiently for the next time. Or not so patiently. Since you can't actually influence me by your threshold of patience… IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME! HA!

Ja!


	6. Brother Has Problems

Chapter 6

Brother Has Problems

Oh boy, does he EVER. Brother himself is like one big WALKING problem. I don't think I even really HAVE to tell you why Brother would have problems in his life, but just for the sake of jogging your memory, I think I will anyway.

First of all, and most obvious of all, his name is BROTHER. Now, last time I checked, the only person I know whose name is Brother is Brother from the Berenstein Bears, and he's not even a human. He's a bear. With a never-changing wardrobe. Imagine having to share your name with someone like that.

Speaking of WARDROBE, what the hell is Brother wearing? It's like… crazy creepy goggles! I thought he was a bad guy the first time I saw him. I was like, ' Whoah, am I gonna have to fight this guy?' But no, I didn't. Does Brother think he looks GOOD wearing those goggles? Or is it because he has a pink eye infection? Does he even HAVE eyes, or is he like a machine?

Is Brother a cyborg? The world may never know.

Another problem is, he's Al Bhed. Quite possibly the stupidest named group of people ever. And is BROTHER an Al Bhed name or what? Why would you name a child Brother? Did they know he was going to have a sister? Or were they just foolish like Vicious and Spike's parents? Or maybe that's just his Al Bhed name translated into english, which is unfortunately the word 'brother.'

Once again, the world may never know.

Okay, he has RIKKU for a sister. And CID for a father. No wonder he's so… there! And he can only speak Al Bhed, and his sister and father can speak perfect english. Not only that, Cid has a southern accent! How can he have a southern accent when he's Al Bhed? And what about Brother and Rikku's mother? I assume she just exploded. Oh well.

Why does Brother wear suspenders? Is that what's IN in Al Bhed youth nowadays? And what about that crazy tattoo? At first it just seems to be a flame and a random black thing… what is that black thing? Is it a woman? A flower? A pretzel?

Say it with me… the world may never know.

HOOONK!

" Now," Said Seymour, as he, Luzzu and Auron walked around randomly like a couple of common hooligans, " Before we can do any bank robbing, we have to-"

" Play a game of pool?" Luzzu asked hopefully.

" No." Said Seymour icily.

" Oh." Said Luzzu in a sad voice.

" We need a machine that will PLOW into the bank and chase all the people out while we take all the booty." Seymour said. And while this may not be right, I think we'll just go with what Seymour says on this one.

" Why don't we just go in with a couple of guns and hold the place up while wearing masks?" Auron asked. The plowing might involve use of… his chunky arm.

" Because. That's just the way things are." Seymour said authoratively. Wearing a mask might make his nose look… big.

" You know, we should build a giant robot!" Luzzu said enthusiastically, taking a big swig of the gatorade in Auron's wine jug. Then he coughed. " That stuff is terrible."

" I know." Said Auron. " But it's healthy."

" A giant robot…" Seymour said, and immediately his crazy villian mind embraced the idea. " Yes! A giant robot! One that will be feared and obeyed by ALL!" _And it doesn't MATTER what clothes I wear if I'm in a giant robot! _Seymour added mentally.

" Then it's settled. Let's find someone to build us a giant robot!" Luzzu said, and so they did just that.

First they went to Musashi and Kojiro. But they were busy. So then they went to the Power Rangers. But they were Lost in Space. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HA!

" We could always build our own." Auron suggested.

" NOT!" Said Seymour. " None of us know how."

" You're a villian. You should be able to do stuff like that." Auron stated.

" Well, EXCUUUUUSE ME." Said Seymour angrily, not wanting to admit he was a pretty poor excuse for a villian.

" If only we could find a mechanic friend…!" Luzzu said, closing his eyes and taking Auron and Seymour's hands, who removed them angrily, and glared at him.

At that moment, the power of Luzzu's prayer brought forth… CID! Just kidding. Cid's dead. But you KNEW that.

(Shameless Self Advertising Note: See Random Adventures with Final Fantasy VII Cast and Shoopuf Dude for details!)

Instead, the power of Luzzu's prayer brought forth… BROTHER! YAAAAY! BET YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING THAT! You WERE? Shucks howdy!

" Why… that's the most terrible haircut I've ever seen!" Seymour cried in an aghast manner, shielding his eyes from Brother's crazy old haircut.

" BROTHER!" Said Luzzu. How does he know Brother? Through the magic plothole saving world of Buddy Barn AOL Instant Messenger!

" LOOZOO!" Said Brother, and he and Luzzu hugged.

" Do you want to help us make a giant robot, Brother? So we can rob a bank and pay off the voodoo mafia?" Luzzu asked.

" LOOZOO!" Brother repeated, and then stood there.

" …Brother?" Auron asked, tapping him on the shoulder.

" Loozoo!" Brother stated enthusiastically.

" Oh yeah! Brother doesn't know english. I think he still hasn't started his bilingual studies yet." Luzzu chuckled like Kureno.

" Well then how are we going to ask him to make a giant robot for us!" Seymour scoffed, glaring at Brother.

" Loozoo!" Brother said angrily, putting his hands on his hips like a fool. He had no idea what was going on, but he wasn't going to tolerate speaking patterns like that!

" Did anyone ask for a BUDDY BARN Babel Fish?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked, poofling out of nowhere with a rack of Buddy Barn Babel Fish.

" Loozoo!" Said Brother, raising his hand. That Buddy Barn Guy stuck that crazy old magical plot-saving fish into Brother's ear, and suddenly… Brother could talk PEOPLE talk!

" Luzzu!" Said Brother.

" WE GET IT." Said Seymour. " Can you build us a giant robot?"

" ROBOT? BUILD? Okay, Luzzu." Said Brother.

" I'm Seymour." Said Seymour.

" Okay." Said Brother. " Why do you want me to build you a robot, Luzzu?"

" To rob a bank." Said Auron.

" WHAT!" That Buddy Barn Guy gasped.

" Are you still here?" Auron asked as they all turned around to see That Buddy Barn Guy just standing there, eavesdropping on their conversation. " And if we owe you money, why are you even appearing to help us?"

" Despite my personal issues, I, That Buddy Barn Guy still have my duties. Now, good day to you, sir. GOOD DAY." Said That Buddy Barn Guy and whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go.

" Ahem…" Said Seymour. " Well… can we please get on with the present subject?"

" I'll help you build a robot. It's only my greatest hobby of all time. Luzzu." Brother said, whipping out his lego collections and build-a-bot collections and grabbing a giant magnifying ray so that they were GIANT! " Let's get to work, Luzzu!"

" We're not making a robot out of legos and whatnot, you idiot! We need a real robot, that works!" Seymour frothed, grabbing Brother's lego collection and chucking it away randomly.

" And lasers." Said Auron, randomly thinking up that idea.

" Like the Power Rangers!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno.

" OH…Power Rangers, Luzzu! I get it now. Well, I'll just whip out my destructive giant robot lego DOOM set." Said Brother, and whipped it out. PSHAW!

" WE CAN'T MAKE A GIANT EVIL ROBOT OUT OF LEGOS!" Seymour yelled.

" Yes we can." Everyone said.

" NO!" Seymour yelled. As a villian, he found the idea of making a robot out of LEGOS, insulting to a long line of villians who made robots out of things BESIDES Legos.

" We're making it out of Legos, and that's final." Auron stated, and then not even Seymour could argue, because when Auron says something is final… it is.

And so… they began to do so! Well, Brother did. Seymour just made sure all the nessacery EVIL things were being included. Like… evil red eyes, and an evil emblem and evil things like that. Auron… was being the watchman, because they were doing this in the middle of the street, and anybody could walk up and just GRAB something, doncha know! Luzzu was singing! YAY!

" Dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream dream dream dream dream, oh, whenever I want you-"

"LUZZU! MOVE ON WITH THE DAMN SONG!" Seymour yelled.

" Oh yeah!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno, having forgot to sing the rest of the song. " I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine, let's go home and have a lime, that's my pet slug named slime, he know's how to climb, here's a paper for you to sign, so I don't owe you a fine, hey, it's dinnertime, let's have a-"

" THAT ISN'T HOW YOU SING THE SONG! ARGH!" Seymour yelled, throwing a wrench at Luzzu, which knocked him out for a few hours. When he woke up, he didn't remember being knocked out. He just remembered… he wanted to play pool!

" It's alive! It's ALIVE! IT'S ALIVE! IT'S ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! Luzzu." Brother cackled insanely as random lightning bolts came out of nowhere and brought the lego robot to life.

What did he look like? GASP! Use your imagination! He looked like… a Gundam! Only better! PSHAW! That's right, fool! And he had… a beret! Oh yeah!

" HELLO. WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY… POOL?" The robot said slowly.

" WHAT!" Seymour yelled, as the robot took out a giant pool stick.

" I let Luzzu program it's brain… maybe that wasn't such a good idea, Luzzu." Brother said, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

" Hello, Mega-Pool-Don!" Luzzu told Mega-Pool-Don.

" PLAY…POOL?" Mega-Pool-Don asked.

" No. We're going to rob a bank." Luzzu said sadly.

" OH. VERY WELL." Mega-Pool-Don said just as sadly.

" THIS IS SO STUPID! WHY THE HELL CAN YOU NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT POOL FOR ONE…SECOND…?" Seymour took a couple of deep breaths, as his face turned purple, and his veins stood out! Oh wait! They already DO! AHAHAHAHAHA! DA-HUCK!

" I need a drink." Said Auron.

" DO NOT DRINK, SIR AURON." Mega-Pool-Don said in his crazy robot voice.

"…Luzzu, did you just give this robot your brain?" Auron asked Luzzu.

" Yep!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno. " Now it's like DOUBLE the Luzzu."

" YES." Said Mega-Pool-Don and chuckled like robotic Kureno.

" Well… whatever. Let's just rob the stupid bank and get it over with." Seymour said, having recovered his natrual skin color.

" But it's Sunday! The bank is closed, Luzzu!" Brother exclaimed.

DOH! You guys are so stupid! You should have checked the calender! DUUUUUUH.

" What do we do until then?" Auron asked no one in particular.

" I KNOW!" Said Luzzu and Mega-Pool-Don.

" Don't even say it." Auron warned.

" Let's go see a movie! Luzzu!" Brother suggested.

" No." Said Auron. " I think we should decide which bank we're going to rob."

" How about… the Buddy Barn Bank?" Seymour said, rubbing his hands together. " Now, THAT would be villianous irony!"

Everyone agreed with Seymour, because who can resist villianous irony?

" Then… this Tuesday… we strike." Seymour said cackling evily.

" What do we do until Tuesday, Luzzu?" Brother asked again, because GEEZ! He wasn't gonna just sit around and WAIT for Tuesday to come!

" We will buy the appropriate clothing needed for robbing a bank." Seymour replied. Uh oh. God knows he won't be able to find anything.

" Like a hockey mask?" Luzzu asked.

" THEY SHOULD MAKE A POOL MASK." Mega-Pool-Don said.

" They SO should." Luzzu said.

" ARGH! IF YOU GUYS TALK ABOUT POOL ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!" Seymour screamed.

"…okay, GEEZ…" Luzzu said slowly, giving Seymour a baleful eye. " Party pooper."

" POOL POOPER."

" SHUT UP!"

And with that, our… heroes? Villians? What are they? ANYWAY, with that they headed off to Wal-Mart, home of hockey masks and whatnot.

" I'm not sure I want a HOCKEY mask. I would feel disloyal to my Pool obsession." Luzzu observed.

" ME TOO." Said Mega-Pool-Don.

" You don't need a mask. You're a giant robot." Auron said.

" OH YEAH." Mega-Pool-Don chuckled like Robotic Kureno.

" I think I'll just get this SCREAM mask." Luzzu said, picking up some random Scream mask that was on the rack. Nobody said anything because nobody cared.

" I'm going to get a hocky mask. Luzzu." Said Brother and DID so.

Seymour couldn't decide what mask he wanted, because we all know how hard it is for him to decide stuff like that. But in the end he got a fancy masquerade mask that looked like a BIRD! Yay!

Auron… decided he didn't need a mask, since he's got sunglasses, and such a high collar shirt. And so, with that, they walked up to the check out! But this wasn't a cool Wal-mart like the Noble Goody Two Shoes grocery store. You had to pay.

" Scream Mask… two dollars." Said the random counter guy we will call Counter Jim.

" Hockey Mask… two dollars." Said Counter Jim.

" Fancy Bird Mask… FIVE dollars." Counter Jim said in an impressed voice.

" Whoppers… One dollar and twenty five cence."

" WHOPPERS!" Everyone exclaimed.

" I'm hungry!" Luzzu whined.

" Getting ready to rob a bank… PRICELESS." Said Counter Jim. Everyone stared at him, and then Auron paid him. Then Counter Jim exploded. Then they walked out of Wal-mart and that exploded too.

As they stepped out into the parking lot, who should randomly walk up to them but… WAKKA AND KIMAHRI! YAAAAY!

Wakka was STILL dressed like a pilgrim! SLACKER! But now Kimahri was dressed like an Indian!

" Happy Thanksgiving!" Said Wakka.

" It's NOT Thanksgiving." Said everyone in a disgusted voice.

" It's NOT?" Wakka pondered aloud.

" NO!" The whole world screamed.

There was an awkward pause. Kimahri ate one of his feathers.

" Well, regardless, I'm thankful that Tidus looks like Chappu!" Wakka declared, and with that the two of them went scurrying away. Our four …characters shook their heads. WHAT TO DO ABOUT THAT CRAZY WAKKA!

" Now we're set! Just have to wait for Tuesday!" Luzzu cheered.

" We better keep a low profile. The Voodoo Mafia is probably looking out for us." Auron said.

" Oh yeah. I forgot about that. But we should be okay! After all… we have the power of love and friendship!" Luzzu cheered.

" Luzzu." Said Brother.

" …I'm starting to think this wasn't worth it." Seymour muttered.

Auron took a long swig of gatorade.

OMAKE!

Ha-ha. It makes me laugh that it takes me about five minutes to write these things but YOU have to wait like five months.

(points) Hahahahaha.

But seriously, folks… POCKETTO NO COIN? SORE TO YOU WANNA BE MY FRIEND? WE ARE, WE ARE, ON THE CRUUUUUUUUISE… WE ARE! I need more friends!

shoopufalias on livejournal.

Uh-huh, that's right peeps. Add me and I'll add you, that's how it's gonna work. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh! (dances like Llama)

Question Time!

Duct Tape Kitten: What's up with your obsession with flunkies?

Hayley: I dunno. Maybe because I myself could never be a flunky, so I like to make people into flunkies and then pretend they were my flunkies.

And here's some questions from Usagi-chan

(1)Seriously, Yuna, tell me what is wrong with you. You need HELP. You're too NICE. You need to give me your EYEBALLS.

Hayley: You can always Maharet to get them for you! DA-HUCK! As for what's wrong with Yuna… well, there's something wrong with her. That much is clear.

(2)Am I scaring you?

Hayley: No, you are not. If you were MomijiXHaru yaoi, you would be scaring me.

(3)Are you SURE Wakka is a ham-ham? Because he looks like uhm... More of an uh... Idiot... To me... I like periods I think...

Hayley: Actually, Wakka's english voice actor voices a Ham-Ham! Isn't that crazy? He looks like a puerto-rican Jimmy Neutron!

(4)Do you enjoy my ramebelings?

Hayley: Do you enjoy MINE?

(5)Who is rhis 'brother'? I've um... Only just passed the Highroad in FFX so I'm sure it's um... SOmthing my simple mind can't even COMPREHEND.

Hayley: WHAT! Well, then, a lot more will be spoiled to you than who BROTHER is if you read this fic.

(6)Hayley, where do your base belong to? Mine uhm, lesse. A couple to you, a couple to Zena, a couple to Furuba, a couple to uh... (blank look, mumbeling)Some other stuff... Justin Cook... SOme more stuff...

Hayley: All my base belong to Gackt. And then some.

(7)Is Irfit related to Chewbacca or what?

Hayley: That would be so cool… but no. I think Bigfoot is.

(8)Why is Seymore so... Stran

Hayley: I don't know why that boy is so Stran. I really don't. But no one's Stranner than Seymour the Stran.

Ja!


	7. The Point of this Story is Lost and Neve...

Chapter 7

The Point of this Story is Lost and Never Returns!

" We finally made it back to the mansion after fifteen years!" Tidus exclaimed. Just kidding. It was just two months. You can just assume they had many misadventures and sidequests we won't go into in this story. You can also just assume that while this was happening, AURON'S storyline was… in a time warp, so it froze whenever TIDUS'S storyline wasn't progressing fast enough!

CRAZY!

" I hope Ifrit didn't get too tired of waiting for us!" Wumba said.

" He's an Aeon, so he's probably USED to long periods of time spent waiting for things!" Tidus chuckled like Kureno.

" So true, Taijou, SO TRUE." Gumba and Wumba said.

" But this still doesn't change ONE thing, though." Tidus said, even though it hadn't changed anything to begin with. " We didn't get Ifrit a BONNY cookbook. We got him a SIBERIAN cookbook."

ARGH! And Siberian and Bonny just AREN'T the same thing, no matter how you cut that crazy cake. Tidus, Gumba and Wumba sat there and thought about what they would tell their crazy aeon friend.

" I know!" Tidus said, jumping up and smacking his hand with his fist.

" WHAT!" Gumba and Wumba gasped.

" Lemme see that book." Tidus said, and grabbed it. Then he took out a red magic marker, put an x through the word 'Siberian' and wrote in big letters above it, 'BONNY.'

" Now everything is A-OK!" Tidus said with a big cheesy Kenji smile, flashing the thumbs up to no one in particular.

" OH MY GOD! YOU'RE A GENIUS, TAIJOU!" Gumba exclaimed, looking at the magic marker as if it were some sort of… holy magic marker.

" I would have NEVER thought of that!" Wumba said, which is true.

" That's why I'M the Taijou and you guys are… not Taijou." Said Tidus who had already forgotten why Wumba and Gumba were even following him around for in the first place. " Now let's go make Ifrit's crazy scottish day!"

And so they paraded into the mansion. Ifrit was there waiting for them obsessively because he had no other purpose in life! When he saw the cookbook, he let out a big cheer and started doing a little scottish jig.

" ACH! I canna' believe ye' actually found me a Bonny Cooking Book! I canna' wait to try out all the recipes! BONNY!" Ifrit cheered, taking the book and ignoring that Siberian was crossed out. " SNOW muffins! Ah want to make that!"

" Well, you make those crazy snow muffins, Ifrit! And ENJOY!" Tidus said, and then watched Ifrit frolic off to try and make Siberian delicacies which would ultimately prove impossible as he's the fire Aeon and everything involved ice.

" Now, back to what WE were doing… let's get the supplies we bought for our game and make some magic happen, captain!" Tidus said as Gumba and Wumba pushed a cart in with the tons of gatorade Wumba had got.

" So… gatorade…" Tidus said, trying to make it sound like gatorade was actually something you could make a game with.

" It's…HEALTHY!" Wumba said.

" That's right. I want my game to be healthy, unlike most sports." Tidus replied.

" It comes in many different flavors!" Gumba said, not about to be undone by Wumba.

" That's right too! Come on, let's all try one and FEEL THE RUSH!" Tidus said, and they all took a gatorade. Tidus had the yellow stuff, Wumba had the strawberry, and Gumba had Ice Blue or whatever it's called.

They all took a big swig, then sat back.

" …what did yours taste like?" Tidus asked Gumba.

"… I'm not sure. Water… with some sort of strange taste? But I couldn't identify a flavor."

" Me either." Said Tidus. " Although it's supposedly supposed to have flavor."

" Mine didn't taste like strawberry at all! It tasted like the GHOST of a strawberry!" Wumba whined because he had been looking forward to tasting STRAWBERRIES! HE LOVED STRAWBERRIES!

" And look at the bottle! So clunky, and the paper part is loose! I don't want the paper part to fall off until I FEEL like it falling off!" Gumba whined.

" GOOD LORD! How is anyone supposed to PLAY a sport when they can't enjoy the sport drink!" Tidus yelled, throwing his gatorade over his shoulder. " Tell me THAT!"

" What will we do Taijou! We can't play a sport without a sport drink!" Gumba and Wumba cried, throwing their own gatorade bottles over their shoulders.

" I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll make sport drinks even BETTER than these! HAH! Gatorade! More like… SEE YOU LATER GATORADE!" Tidus scoffed like Carson, and with that, took a case of gatorade. " Come on! TOGETHER, we'll turn this bland watery sports drink into a tasty but still nutritional sports drink!"

" YEAH!" Said Gumba and Wumba and so they set off to do that. As they were busy mixing various things together to try and make a better drink, who should walk up but… Ifrit. Who were you expecting?

" Ach! I have finally been able to make ye bonny Ice Cream!" Ifrit said. " I jus' canna serve it to ye or it will all melt away!"

" That's okay Ifrit. We're busy making a drink." Tidus said as Gumba and Wumba stirred away at a big pot with steam billowing from it for no apparent reason.

" Oh! What are ye makin' laddie? Do ye have a recipe?" Ifrit asked.

" No… but we SHOULD! Gumba! Start writing down what we're tossing into this big pot!" Tidus ordered.

" YOKAI!" Said Gumba, and whipped out a pen and pencil and began writing down everything they had tossed into that random pot.

" Once ye are done, let me give it a try! And once ye have done that… ye kin come with me to the bonny Cooking Show!" Ifrit said, doing a random scottish jig.

" Bonny Cooking Show?" Tidus asked in a voice that suggested he hadn't known such a thing had existed.

" It's BONNY!" Said Ifrit.

" You're going to enter a cooking show Ifrit?" Tidus asked uneasily.

" Why no'? I now ken how to make BONNY food! Why should I no' show off me bonny talent?" Ifrit said proudly. Tidus secretly hung his head in shame, knowing Ifrit was still under the false delusion of making bonny food when he was secretly making…SIBERIAN food. Argh!

" Well, Ifrit, if that's what you want to do with your long, unatrual life, then go ahead, by all means, go ahead!" Tidus said.

" AH WILL!" Ifrit said as the American Flag dropped out from nowhere behind him.

" Taijou! It's done!" Wumba said, still churning away.

" Excellent." Said Tidus like Mr. Burns. Then he turned to Ifrit. " If you'll do the honor's then?"

Ifrit walked over to the pot, took the giant ladle, then took a sip. After he did, all of a sudden… nothing happened. What? It's a drink. Not a potion. GEEZ.

" Ah kin FEEL the rush! What is ye bonny drink called?" Ifrit said in awe.

" Uh… we don't know yet." Tidus said. " We can't think of a good name."

" Ye should call it… BONNYRADE." Ifrit said.

" Okay!" Said Tidus because… Ifrit was the smartest person in the room.

" HURRAY! WE MADE BONNYRADE!" The team of three cheered, as confetti fell around them.

" I can't wait to start selling it!" Wumba said excitedly.

" Let's sell it at Ifrit's cooking show!" Tidus decided.

" OH-KAY!" The three of them said and gave each other high-fives.

" That's just bonny! Good thing the Cooking Show be today, hosted by Buddy Barn Cooking Convention Center!" Ifrit chuckled like Kureno, gathering together his burnt cooking utensils.

" Ifrit! Are you sure you're prepared to enter a bonny cooking contest after just ONE day of cooking bonny food?" Tidus asked. And actually, Ifrit spent ONE day cooking Siberian food, so it's not like he even had THAT much practice!

" Ah believe in mahself! That's all ah need to become the top champ!" Ifrit said. Everyone was so inspired by this that they believed in Ifrit too, even though they probably shouldn't, since he'll let them down.

And with that, Tidus, Gumba and Wumba hired illegal immigrants to start producing mass amounts of Bonnyrade, took some in a giant barrel, and set off to the Buddy Barn Cooking Convention Center! BY PLANE!

But before they could get to the Buddy Barn Airport, who should randomly walk up but…. WAKKA AND KIMAHRI! YAAAAAY!

Wakka was wearing a Santa Claus costume! And Kimahri was wearing antlers and a shiny red nose! You MAY even say it glows!

" Ho-ho-ho, MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Said Wakka in a jolly, accented voice.

" Hi Wakka! But it's not Christmas!" Tidus chuckled like Kureno.

" It's NOT!" Wakka said, then there was another one of those awkward silences. Kimahri's red nose made that annoying sound that Rudolph's does in the claymation.

" So, where are you going?" Wakka asked, attempting to change the subject.

" To the Buddy Barn Airport to fly to the Buddy Barn Cooking Convention Center!" Tidus answered all in one breath.

" AIRPLANE! NOOO! ANCIENT MACHINA!" Wakka cried and dropped to his knees. " Don't do it! That's the same way Chappu died! IN AN AIRPLANE CRASH!"

" No he didn't." Tidus said slowly.

" Yeah, you're right. BUT STILL!" Wakka started to say something, but then found there was nothing for him to say. So he and Kimahri went running in the opposite direction, with Wakka yelling, " AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!"

" That crazy Wakka… you'd think he'd get a holiday RIGHT for a change!" Tidus chuckled like Kureno.

" Ah sure do, laddie!" Ifrit laughed, and then everyone shared a long hearty laugh at that crazy Wakka.

And that just about wraps it up for THIS time. Why? Because I don't feel like writing this chapter anymore. Don't like it? TOUGH COOKIES.

Seriously, I'm gonna end the chapter. Don't believe me? Huh? Huh? Wanna FIGHT, punk? Huh? Huh?

…that's what I thought.

OMAKE!

Wow… this chapter gets less and less long, more and more… it's obvious that the author just wants to finish it… and less and less questions! But THAT'S okay. Two questions from my homecat draped in duct tape.

What would happen if a blitzball pool got REALLY hot? Would it melt... or boil?  
And I have a question for Mega-Pool-Don...  
Do you like fish?

I don't know! As I don't have a Blitzball Pool, much less a POOL… I assume that it would… EXPLODE! BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES BLITZBALL AND WE'LL NEVER PLAY IT AGAIN!

WELL, Mega-Pool-Don?

Mega-Pool-Don: I like fish that play POOL!

Hayley: She means fish that you eat.

Mega-Pool-Don: I'm a robot. I don't eat.

Hayley: Oh.

ANYWAY, two more chapters to go! Are you excited? You're not! (slap) Well that's okay. I myself am more excited about the new episode of Lost this Wednesday! But we'll pretend I'm more excited about writing.

Ja!


	8. The Best BankRobbery in this Story

Chapter 8

The Best Bank-Robbery in this Story

" Luzzu?" Asked Auron.

" Present!" Said Luzzu.

" Seymour?" Asked Auron.

" Present…" Seymour said in a very unenthusiastic voice.

" Brother?" Asked Auron.

" Here! Luzzu." Said Brother.

" Mega-Pool-Don?" Asked Auron.

" PRESENT." Said Mega-Pool-Don.

" Auron?" Auron started to ask, but then remembered not to at the very last second, so he just answered mentally in his head. Then he turned to Mega-Pool-Don and took a deep breath.

" Alright…" He said, and took a big swig of Gatorade. " Let's do this." Then everyone but him strapped on their crazy masks, and climbed on top of Mega-Pool-Don. Then Mega-Pool-Don fired up his SUPER JET BOOT LASERS, and our characters blasted off in the direction of the Buddy Barn Bank, running over several exploding pedastrians that happened to get in their way.

" Impact in… ten…nine…eight…" Luzzu said.

" Luzzu, we're going to be there in five minutes." Auron said.

" I know! It's just more fun this way!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno.

" SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP!" Seymour yelled, seriously regretting this.

" Look out! OPEN FIRE! Luzzu." Said Brother. Everyone turned to see the Voodoo Mafia raising a bunch of little plushie versions of themselves.

" You think you can LOSE the Voodoo Mafia once we've got you… PLUSHIERIZED!" God Sith called menacingly from the Voodoo Mafia's convertible. " We've been tracing you the whole time! We've even got your robot friend!" With that, Pasneezi displayed that INDEED they had a plushie of Mega-Pool-Don too!

" Now…" Said God Sith, and he gave Tony the Luzzu plushie, Lenny the Seymour plushie, Parsneezi the Brother plushie, the Alien the Mega-Pool-Don plushie, and he himself took the Auron plushie.

" They're gonna stab us! ARGH! Luzzu." Brother cried.

" Every man for himself!" Seymour yelled.

" NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Luzzu yelled as the Voodoo Mafia brought their pins into their plushie selves. Everyone waited for excrutiating pain but… NONE CAME! Except for Auron and Mega-Pool-Don who let out a screams of agony.

" How come everyone but Sir Auron and Mega-Pool-Don are okay?" Luzzu asked.

" THE MASKS! Everyone is wearing a mask but Auron and Mega-Pool-Don, Luzzu! Making the Voodoo Mafia's plushies… INACCURATE! Luzzu." Brother cried, pointing dramtically. YES! The plushies, INDEED, did not have little masks.

" DARN! COME ON BOYS, GET SEWING!" God Sith cried.

" I DON'T THINK SO." Said Mega-Pool-Don in an angry robot voice, and then fired a giant pool ball at the limosine. It slid to side and then they left that crazy, defeaten Voodoo Mafia in their DUST! HA!

" Are you okay Sir Auron?" Luzzu asked Auron.

" Yeah…" Said Auron, even though he wasn't really alright. But he's a real man.

" I guess you should have worn that Bill Clinton mask I pointed out!" Luzzu chuckled like Kureno.

" I don't think so." Said Auron.

" Look! It's the bank, Luzzu!" Brother cried, as Mega-Pool-Don started to close in on the Buddy Barn Bank.

" FIRE, MEGA-POOL-DON!" Luzzu yelled, pointing at the bank.

" MEGA-POOL-DON… CUE BALL STROKE!" Mega-Pool-Don yelled, and fired a giant magic eight ball into the Buddy Barn Bank. Everyone in the bank doing bank things screamed and ran outside to escape and then exploded.

" Come on! Hurry!" Luzzu yelled hastily as Mega-Pool-Don whipped out a giant sack and started shoveling a ton of gil into it, as Seymour, Brother and Auron jumped down and stood there like bodyguards which was pretty stupid because a giant robot probably doesn't need you for a bodyguard.

" WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" That Buddy Barn Guy screamed, marching up to them, angry that his bank had just been demolished by a giant eight ball.

" Uh… paying you back?" Auron said slowly. Mega-Pool-Don handed That Buddy Barn Guy over the giant sack of money.

" Oh. Thanks!" Said That Buddy Barn Guy said, took the giant sack of money, whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to whatever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go.

There was an awkward pause as everyone took off their masks and stared at each other.

" That was… completely pointless." Auron said slowly.

" YOU STILL OWE ME THAT FAVOR!" Seymour yelled, not about to be jipped after coming all this way.

" It's not pointless! Now we have our new friend, Mega-Pool-Don!" Luzzu cheered. " And Brother can speak english!"

" Yaaaaay. Luzzu." Said Brother.

" He doesn't speak it very well." Said Auron.

OMAKE!

I didn't even give you a CHANCE to ask questions because I wanted to finish this story up. So there! This being the last Omake, I hope you've enjoyed the story, and the conclusion coming up… soon. And join me for other fanfics that I'll probably take more time on, since I like them more than I like Final Fantasy X. Which I really don't like. But maybe you knew that.

Ja Bai-Bai!


	9. The Giant, FUN Cooking Show!

Chapter 9

The Giant, FUN Cooking Show!

" Welcome to the Buddy Barn Bonny Cooking Competion Show! I'm your exploding host, Host Jack!" Said Host Jack. " Is everyone ready for some CRAAAAZY COOKING!"

" YEAH!" Yelled the exploding masses.

" Well… let's meet our judges! Our first judge is… none other than… WONDER CHEF!" Host Jack said excitedly. " Now… where could he be?" Then he looked all around for Wonder Chef, but… Wonder Chef wasn't there! Then everyone noticed a PERMISSCUOUS panda stuffed animal and tapped the A button.

" IT IS I! WONDER CHEF!" Said Wonder Chef, appearing in a flash of smoke. " I will… judge your cooking." Then he sat down in one of the three judges chairs.

" And now for our second judge… CARL THE TALKING PURPLE WOOPER!" Said Host Jack pointing enthusiastically to a very dissatisfied little purple Wooper that marched angrily onto the stage and hopped into the chair. But he was so short you couldn't even see him.

" What are YOU looking at? Punks." Said Carl.

" And our last judge… Oolgi Omikse!" Said Host Jackt pointing to a completely random fool wearing a giant purple parka. Oolgi Omikse smiled and waved to the exploding masses.

" Great to have you here Judges. And now… our sponsors! Buddy Barn Carpet Cleaner. Because a Clean Carpet… is NOT dirty! And Bonnyrade! Mmm… it's BONNY!" Said Host Jack as Tidus, Gumba, and Wumba waved like fools in the background.

" Now we all know why we're gathered here today…DA-HUCK! We're here to see who will win the GRAND PRIZE for a trip to… Chucky Cheeses! And bragging rights! Mostly bragging rights! So let's meet our contestants vying for this prize. First up… IFRIT!"

" GO IFRIT!" Tidus, Gumba and Wumba yelled.

" Ah am goin' to Chuckah Cheeses, where ah barin kin be a barin!" Ifrit said enthusiastically.

" Our second contestants… Shuuichi Shindou and Hiro Nakano from BAD LUCK!" Said Host Jack.

" I'LL WIN THIS COMPETION, YUKI! And then… you and I will go to Chucky Cheeses… TOGETHER!" Shuuichi yelled at the top of his lungs, falling to the floor and crying because he was so overcome with emotion.

" Whatever." Said Yuki, standing there because he has nowhere better to be. " It's not like I want to go."

" WHAT!" Shuuichi gasped.

" I don't want to go to some stupid place with some dumbass retarded mouse AGAIN." Said Yuki.

" But… but… it would be fun…!" Shuuichi sniffled.

" For you, rubbing a balloon and having it make your hair stand up is fun." Said Yuki.

" ARGH!" Said Shuuichi. " YUKI, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! EVEN WHEN YOU'RE HIDING THE FACT THAT YOU WANT ME TO WIN THIS COMPETION SO BADLY!"

" I DON'T!" Yuki yelled.

" Why do I always get dragged into these things…?" Hiro muttered.

" I'm here!" Tatsuha yelled, running up in an outfit completely identical to Yuki's. Everyone gave him an awkward look as he stood there, looking around enthusiastically.

" Why are you here?" Everyone asked.

" I'm here to pretend to be Nii-san to bolster Shuuichi's courage so he can win the competion! I just have to dye my hair!" Tatasuha said, whipping a a bottle of bleach.

" We don't NEED you to pretend to be Yuki this time." Hiro sighed.

" Why not-HEY! YOU ALREADY GOT A YUKI LOOK-A-LIKE! YOU'VE REPLACED ME! HOW DARE YOU!" Tatsuha yelled, staring at Yuki with a horrified expression.

" I AM YUKI! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR OWN BROTHER!" Yuki yelled at Tatsuha.

" BOKU TO YUKI! BOKURA AI NO CHIKARA! CHUCKY! VICTORY!"

" SHUT UP!"

" Uh… moving on… we have our last contestant… Shoopuf Dude! And now a commerical!" Said Host Jack.

Then there was a commercial.

" And now, the cooking portion of this show begins! Let's watch, shall we!" Host Jack said excitedly.

Well, poor Ifrit THOUGHT he was making bonny food… but he was making SIBERIAN food! GASP! The IRONY! IF ONLY TIDUS HAD TOLD HIM THE TRUTH!

Shuuichi and Hiro were making… something. It wasn't good. But I hope you weren't expecting it TO be good. Because it won't be.

" I can go on, knowing you're cheering for me Yuki!" Shuuichi said happily.

" Shut up, dumbass." Said Yuki.

And Shoopuf Dude-

ANOTHER COMMERCIAL!

" Alright…" Said Host Jack, " Everyone has pretty much finished up their cooking, so let's all let our judges have a try! First up… Ifrit's dish of… BONNY FROSTY PANCAKES!"

And so they began to pass Ifrit's crazy pancakes down. First, Wonder Chef took a bite.

" This is… okay. But I, Wonder Chef, could teach you an even better recipe! You need only to find me and tap the A button!" Said Wonder Chef, and passed the plate down to Carl.

Carl got the pancake stuck on his antler, so it took awhile to get that down. Then he took a tiny bite and chewed on it for like an hour.

" Sucks." He told Ifrit, who burst into tears.

" Don't cry, Ifrit! Oolgi Omikse still hasn't tried it!" Host Jack said.

Oolgi took a DEEP bite… then started crying. " This reminds me of my homeland of Siberia that I was seperated from so long ago! HANDS DOWN, THE WINNER! WE DON'T EVEN NEED TO TASTE THE REST!"

" WHAT!" Shuuichi screamed.

" You can't do that." Said Carl, but was ignored.

" THE WINNER!" Shouted Host Jack, then exploded. Then everyone lifted Ifrit up on their shoulders and caught on fire and died.

" NOOOO! CHUCKY!" Shuuichi cried.

" Don't cry, Shuu-chan." Said Hiro, hugging Shuuichi. " I'll lend you the eight dollars to take yourself and Yuki to Chuckee Cheeses."

" HIRO! YOU'RE THE BESTEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD!" Shuuichi cheered.

" NO!" Said Yuki. " DAMN YOU NAKANO!"

" What is this? It's good." Said Tatsuha, staring at a bottle of Bonnyrade.

THE END!

And now… for what happened to everyone! (in order of appearance)

Tidus forgot all about making a new sport and instead became a very succsessful sports drink creator and made MILLIONS off on Bonnyrade!

Chumba… came back only to find no sport to challenge Blitzball and then exploded!

Yuna… exploded!

Ifrit went to Chuckee Cheeses and accidently burnt it down and everyone rejoiced.

Gumba continued to be Tidus's Vice President!

Wumba continued to be easily impressed!

Auron got drunk, then while he was sober, had some Bonnyrade, then got hooked on that for the rest of his life! Hurrah!

Luzzu and Mega-Pool-Don opened up a Pool reservation and spent the rest of their days living happily on it.

The Voodoo Mafia dissapeared into the shadows… who knows when they will… strike again. Or if they will strike again. Or if they can strike again. Or if they would want to if they could.

Wakka and Kimahri continued to spread Holiday Cheer to the World! YAAAAY!

Brother continued to… be so inexplainable! Luzzu.

Auron took Seymour to Ayame's shop and Ayame made him look pretty! But nobody likes Seymour so he was still a neglected, sorry excuse for a villian.

Carl threw a hissy fit.

Wonder Chef mysteriously dissapeared in a flash of smoke.

Oolgi Omikse went back to his homeland of Siberia.

The unimportant people exploded.

Buddy Barn Guy went off to wherever it was Buddy Barn Guy's go.

Poor Fruit Bat turned Cid flapped off to find someone who could help him.

And Shoopuf Dude-

" **I KNEW I WOULDN'T HAVE TO TAKE OFF THIS SHIRT!" **yelled Jecht.

Kureno Chuckle Count: 24

Jay and Silent Bob will return in ' Legal Shoopuf'

See you Space Shoopuf…


End file.
